I feel like I barely had to wish for January to come before it bestowed its presence on us. The regular season of the NFL is officially over and man do the playoffs look wacky. At the beginning of Sunday, there were 5 teams in the AFC competing for a playoff spot. Only one of them, the Titans, won their game. But they still didn’t make it into the playoffs. Instead, it was the Broncos and Bengals, who both lost, that will be playing next week. I tried reading over the tiebreaking procedures for Wild Card slots, but damn is it all confusing. I guess it probably has something to do with the Bengals playing in a tougher division and Andy Dalton being a better mascot than Matt Hasselbeck. Or it might have something to do with America’s refusal to watch Matt Hasselbeck play football. I don’t know. It doesn’t make much sense. All that I know is that even losers can make it into the post-season. Hell, just look at the Texans!
New England Patriots 49, Buffalo Bills 21
I have to stop watching football with my roommate, Alex. Don’t get me wrong, I really do love having company on Sundays. Typically, watching football is a very lonely act for me. Nobody ever wants to watch it [unless it's the Super Bowl, in which case, I don't want to watch it]. But when Alex came along, Sundays suddenly became a time to be social-ish. The only problem is that he’s a die-hard Patriots fan and whenever he watches, they go apeshit. Take this game for example. The Bills came out of the gate with an impressive 21-0 lead, thanks to the good-when-they-want-to-be prowess of Stevie Johnson, CJ Spiller and of course, Ryan Fitzpatrick. It seemed like the nothing-to-gain Bills were looking for a fight and having fun against the “pulled-goalie” defense. That was, of course, until Alex walked into the room. 49 unanswered points, locking in the #1 seed in the AFC. God damnit, I really need to stop watching football with Alex…
Miami Dolphins 19, New Jersey Jets 17
Let this picture be a lesson to you kids: Assholes never win.
The Jets lost because they’re a bunch of assholes and that’s what happens to assholes when push comes to shove, so therefore, if they would’ve stopped being a bunch of assholes and stopped bickering at each other and thinking that they’re all hot shit, strutting through hallways, shoving nerds into lockers, sticking gum under desks/over the drinking fountain spouts and setting puppies on fire, they might’ve just pulled this one off and probably a few other ones earlier in the year, so that the fucking assholes that claimed to be Super Bowl-bound and dynasty-bound and ruling the world for the next century-bound would actually strut their way into the Playoffs instead of wondering what the hell they’re going to do for the next 8 months besides sit around and drink champagne and beat their bitches so hard that their guns go off in their sweatpants and they shoot the cops and everyone else in the club in some elaborate coverup to protect NFL players, because at the end of the day, they’re all a bunch of assholes and that’s what assholes do is lose and lose some more.
Chicago Bears 17, Minnesota Vikings 13
This game was much akin to watching a cripple fight. It’s obvious that there’s a hint of rivalry between the two, but they are both just so sluggish that watching it even inflicts pain. It’d be great if one of their extremities would suddenly become healthy, so that we could watch a good ol’ fashioned crutch beating or leg brace gouging [what?]. Unfortunately, it’s just 2 people on life support, struggling to stay alive, let alone fight. I’d rather watch skeletons fucking. With these teams starting all the scabs, was there even a pro bowler starting?
I rest my case. Now, they all have 8 months to rest as well.
Philadelphia Eagles 34, Washington Redskins 10
If the Eagles were in the AFC West, they’d be in the Playoffs. Just saying is all. The Dream Team is still alive. As long as they stay intact for next year, the Dream will continue. They finished with a better record than 12 other teams, and on par with 7 others. That puts them in the top tier of the league. It’s a dirty world out there and I have faith that the Eagles can turn it around next year. They definitely still have the talent to do so. What’re they gonna do, fire Andy Reid? Shut up.
New Orleans Saints 45, Carolina Panthers 17
I would talk about this game, but I feel like I’ve explained enough in the past. All I know how to do is gush about how unstoppable the Saints are and how they’re easily the best team in the league. I don’t need to keep talking about shit like that. I’m going to have to do it for 4 more weeks…
Tennessee Titans 23, Houston Texans 22
Well, this is just stupid. Not only are the Texans limping into the playoffs with the [injured, but starting] JP Lossman TJ Yates, but they also couldn’t give two shits about it. It was the football equivalent of a shirtless balding man sitting in a kiddie pool, resting his beer on his belly and scratching himself…during a parade. Victory simply did not matter to them. They raised a big middle finger to the city of Houston when Jake DelHomme [well, actually, the big "fuck you" moment was when they signed Jake DelHomme. I thought he was euthanized after last season. Oh well...] drove the Texans for a last-minute touchdown. Instead of going for the extra point to send it into overtime, they go for two to win it. I repeat, the Houston Texans coaching staff, who are all well-respected, allowed Jake DelHomme to attempt a 2 point conversion.
Not even Billy Bill Belichick would be ballsy enough to attempt a two-pointer from the 7. They give no fucks, nor will they ever. It’s as if they already know how doomed they are, so they’re already looking ahead to next season, when hopefully, they would give two shits. Next week, they face the Bengals in a game that they could easily win. That is, if they really feel like winning…
Jacksonville Jaguars 19, Indianapolis Colts 13
Right now, he's a proud man. Soon, he'll be a New Jersey Jet...
I just can’t belee that they did it. It’s been a long and tumultuous season, but it didn’t stop Kerry Collins/Curtis Painter/Dan Orlovsky from defying the odds and going all the way. This was a season that will be imprinted in the hearts and minds of everyone across America. If you were to tell me at the beginning of the season that the Colts would do this, I’d call you a liar, but a sexy liar. You can’t even give the QBs all the credit. This was a team effort. Robert Mathis, Jeff Saturday, Austin Collie, Jacob Tamme and Marvin Harrison should get just as much praise for the performance that they had put on for us. In this day and age, it is far too easy to become a dynasty and stay that way. According to the NFL script, if a star QB is injured, the team is still supposed to see some shreds of dignity and success. But Jim Caldwell and his Colts took that script and threw it right out the window. At 2-14, the Indianapolis Colts have locked in the 1st draft pick. I know, we all thought it would end up being the Rams or Dolphins, but that’s just the way shit works out. They perfectly and immaculately threw away an entire season. It’s like a wealthy CEO pretending to lose his job so that he can go on welfare and make even more money. They pulled the perfect scheme: take Peyton out of the equation, pretend to not know what to do, get new franchise QB, win games for 20 more years. Fuggin simplistic perfection. We should all commend them for pulling off such a brave stunt and seeing through to it.
San Francisco 49ers 34, St Louis Rams 27
This game shouldn’t have ended so closely. The only reason that it did was because of the fact that the Colts game ended while there was still 5+ minutes left in this one. Once word got out that Indy secured the draft pick, Steve Spagnuolo decided to encourage his team to actually play. And really, as far as garbage teams getting garbage stats goes, they didn’t do that bad. But they still came up short and the following morning, they fired poor Spagz anyway. So, he’s done. He could always be like the special teams coach at some college in Montana or something.
I’m not done with this game, yet. This has to be one of my favorite plays of the season. Not because it’s a perfectly executed trick play, but because it proves a point. The 49ers would not be the team that they are without David Akers. Their redzone offense is one of the worst I’ve ever seen [and I'm a Chargers fan] and it seems that every game is won by David Akers. If that was Alex Smith throwing the ball on that play, it would’ve been ridiculously overthrown. Akers was spot on. I want to see him take snaps more often. In fact, out of the 380 points that the 49ers scored this season, Akers is accountable for 172. Alex Smith can only get credit for 114. Do the math. Any team that relies on it’s kicker to score points over the QB, must either be terrible or have a really great defense. And the Niners have one hell of a defense.
Green Bay Packers 45, Detroit Lions 41
How could anyone allow a beard that perfect to sit on the bench for so long?
For the 2012 Season, the starting QB for either the Rams, Vikings, Seahawks or Dolphins will be none other than Matt Buttfugging Flynn. I promise it will be one of those four. When a backup breaks the all-time franchise record for passing yards, that’s big. Like Matt Cassel big. Like Kurt Warner big. Like Billy Volek big [somebody PLEASE pick up Billy Volek!]. On the other end, Matthew Stafford trumped Flynn’s 480 passing yards with 520, making it a grand total of a grand. Yeah, this game was just basically a ridiculous shootout, but one that scares me for 3 reasons:
1) If the backup is throwing for 480 yards, what does that say about the Lion’s passing defense? To be fair, most of these yards were made after the catch, but 480 is still 480.
2) It may not even be because of Matt Flynn. Maybe it’s that the Packers are such a well-oiled team that they can put anybody in at QB and still win every time. It would be fun to experiment with ["Hey, Matt Hasselbeck, come over here and run this play with us!"], but the thought of a team being this good at everything is very frightening.
3) The Lions lost this one, which bumped them down to the #6 seed. That means that instead of getting an easy win against the Giants, they have to go to the Big Easy and take another shot at Brees-y. It really sucks when the Wild Card round consists of your favorite team going against your Super Bowl pick. Especially when their defense just allowed a scab team to run wild on them.
Arizona Cardinals 23, Seattle Seahawks 20 [OT]
I am a firm believer that every Sunday at 4PM, the following 3 things happen:
1) The Cardinals and Seahawks play
2) It goes into overtime
3) I get bored to tears
That’s the only thing that the Seahawks and Cards are good at. They are both birds that I have no personal association with and they both represent teams with ho-hum offenses and ho-hum everythings and really know how to send a game past regulation. Afterwards, QB prodigy wonderboy extraordinaire John Skelton was reached for interview. It turned out a little something like this:
Atlanta Falcons 45, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24
I just can’t get into college football. One would believe that a fan and a purveyor of the sport would surely be able to appreciate it in every form. But no, I can’t even stand watching a college football game. There are just so many teams that it seems like it would be impossible to follow all of them. One could always follow the Top 25, but even that can be misleading, as there could still technically be better teams out there that we just don’t know about because they’re playing in a poor division. So, because of the school being poor, they aren’t allowed to take very much glory. It’s like not allowing the AFC West into the playoffs. And you have these poor schools that are unable to support their above-par athletics and you want to feel bad for them, but on the other end you have the hipster coalition telling you about how all schools should give up athletics and focus more on the arts. Unfortunately, I socially fall into the art crowd, so I have to take their argument for the sake of keeping friends [until they move away to Colorado, at least]. But then again, it’s just that time of year when I no longer become an outcast for being a football fan. Last night, my facebook feed was absolutely littered with hoots, hollers and arguments about U of M winning some stupid game. And now I look like the outcast, because I don’t follow college sports. But then again, I’ll watch college basketball, but that’s a different story. They have an actual bona fide playoff structure that makes 80% sense and the sport is much more enjoyable when the athletes aren’t getting paid. I can’t watch the NBA because of the fact that the players have inflated egos to match their salaries. Basketball is much more appreciated when it’s played for the love of the game. But football? That shit’ll kill you! You best be getting paid to play football! If someone walked up to me and asked me if I watch sports, this is what I’d say:
“Yes, I watch pro football”
“So American Football?”
“Not-Soccer-Pro-American-Football”
“Do you watch college football?”
“No, I watch pro football.”
“You don’t watch any college football?”
“I watch the Bucs play every once in a while.”
Baltimore Ravens 24, Cincinnati Bengals 16
The only team in the AFC that I have any interest in watching next week is the Bengals. That’s not to say that they’re a great team, but at least they have their moments. I’m sure a lot of people are loving the Ravens after Ray Rice ran for 200 miles, then climbed a top of a mountain and made sweet love to the peak, but they’re simply not my bag. People ask me I argue to myself that the 49ers play a very similar game as the Ravens, but I could consider myself a Niner bandwagoner. My only argument is that I feel that the Ravens/Niners formula is okay, but it shouldn’t win games all the time. The Ravens have been consistently good for the last 10 years and they’ve been boring enough to never switch up their strategy. It’s just “kill em on defense, pound em with the running game and pray to christ almighty that the QB can complete a couple of deep balls”. It’s too predictable and I’m sick of watching it succeed year in and year out.
Pittsburgh Steelers 13, Cleveland Browns 9
A Cleveland-area Kia dealership made an offer nobody could refuse last week. [I'm so glad the commercial's on youtube.]
The only way Cleveland was shutting them out was if the game ended up scoreless. Which makes you wonder: is a scoreless game a shutout?
Kansas City Chiefs 31, Denver Broncos 28
Oy. Better luck next year, Johnny.
It was cold and humid in Mile High Stadium last night. The 1-5 Broncos needed this win if they were ever going to consider staying alive in the wacky ass AFC West. The Chiefs, sitting at 4-2, were once the darling of sports commentators across the globe. Now they already fallen a game behind the Chargers, who are having a Cinderella season. It was do or die time for Elway and Montana, and well, the results show just that. It was a back-and-forth shootout, with the lead changing 4 times. The big difference-maker was the Chiefs offensive line being able to protect Joe Montana, whereas John Elway got sacked 4 times. As a team, the Broncos also lost 3 fumbles. John Elway may not have caught up to Montana’s passing yards, but his 37 rushing yards was comparable to RB Leonard Russel’s 41. It doesn’t take an idiot to see that the Broncos have a lot of work to do before John Elway can ever dream about getting that one coveted championship…
San Diego Chargers 38, Oakland Raiders 26
Hey the Chargers won. That means they can get into the playoffs, right? Isn’t that how it works? No?
Alright, well, hey the Raiders lost. That means they can get into the playoffs, right? Isn’t that how it works? No?
This is where I don’t get the tiebreaking procedures. The AFC West finished with a 3-way tie at 8-8. Everyone finished with a 3-3 division record and the Chargers have the best Conference record at 7-5, while also having the best point differential [29 vs -74/-81/-126]. If the Chargers and Broncos are 1-1 against each other, then why is it that with the evidence given that the Broncos take the division?
I just looked it up and I’m pissed. In the tie-breaking procedures, the record for common games takes precedent over inter-conference games. That, my friends, is some real bullshit. How the AFC West teams did against the NFC North teams should not be more important than how they did against teams IN THEIR OWN FUCKING CONFERENCE.
Alright, I’m over it already. Fuck the AFC.
New Jersey Giants 31, Dallas Cowboys 14
I had a dream last night that Robocop was trying to rescue a little girl from a fire. However, her level of fear was not quite convincing. So, after Murphy carried her out of the house, they sat in lawn chairs. And invisible hand gave them cups of coffee and Robocop gave her some useful acting advice. I woke up feeling confident to tackle the day, having just dreamed up something both quirky and hilarious [to me]. I walked to the corner store to buy a bagel and I look at the cover of the NY Daily News. The headline said “Deja Blue? Is this the same team as the ’08 Giants?”. My day was immediately ruined. After living in NY through 2 football seasons, I want nothing more than for all the NY teams to lose.
So I guess that about sums it all up. It’s been a really long and strange season and I’m glad to be in the position to present it all to you. Now I can finally relax more, being that I’m not going to have to cover more than 4 games for the next 9 months. I’m going to be on vacation next week, so expect the Wild Card Roundup to come when you least expect it…
…on time.
-TeeCoZee
