Dry your eyes, America. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just that the thing you expected to happen didn’t happen. You can’t blame the Packers and Saints for blowing it. You can only blame yourself for expecting it. Don’t get angry that Tim Tebow and TJ Yates didn’t pull through. You should be ashamed of yourself for having such bold predictions. A week full of upsets is a week that teaches us why they play the game. And if you didn’t hear about the games this week…well…I regret to inform you that the following things happened:
San Francisco 49ers 36, New Orleans Saints 32
This is the game that we’re going to want 3 weeks from now, but surely won’t get. It’s that type of game that will be analyzed until the end of time. Years from now, or maybe even shorter than we expect, it will be playing on late-night NFL Network, with highlights narrated by the guy that does every NFL Films production [is that the same guy, or is it different people with a voice changer?] with his monotone voice that could put an elephant on PCP to sleep. People ask me why I care so much about the sport and this game is my swift answer. It was an impeccable example of 2 fully capable teams fighting until their heart’s content. It was as if in those last 3 minutes, the whole universe was swallowed up and this was all we were left with. And even then, I was happy. The smile wouldn’t leave my face for hours. Here, I had two of my favorite teams, both of whom I want nothing more than to see them succeed. I got excited every time the lead changed and then I would hope for it to happen again until the end of time. This game should’ve had 5 quarters. It was that damn good. If you didn’t see it, do yourself a favor and track down a copy of it. It’s probably a lot easier than you think.
If it wasn’t obvious throughout the entire season, it is certainly obvious now. There is something special in the way that Jim Harbaugh coaches the Niners. Don’t even wonder what it is, because it’s probably just some deranged magic that us mortals will never understand. Let’s put this in a scenario:
In 2005, Mike Nolan comes across a box of rats. He puts them in a maze and runs time trials on them. He had done this before and was confident that he could make something work. After 55 attempts, he could only encourage the rats to make it to the end of the maze 32.7% of the time.
In came Mike Singletary, who was a former rat himself. He felt that with his experience, he’d be able to get them to the big cheese almost every time. This strategy did not work at all. So then his pants fell down, in an attempt to frighten the rats into success. This did not work either. Jim Tomsula took over briefly. He got them to the goal on his first try, decided that it was a stupid job and left the room immediately.
And then there was Jim Harbaugh. As a former rat captain, he knew what it took to get the cheese every time, although he had never been that lucky himself. He knows the science behind cheese-snatching and that’s all that matters. He puts a blanket over the maze and sticks his head underneath. When he lifts the veil, it is clear that the rats had undergone some changes. massive Not only were they finding the cheese every time, but they were savagely busting through the walls to get there.
The key here [which I have mentioned 45983247598 times this season] is that the 49ers are the same team that went 6-10 last season. It’s also the same team that I discussed two years ago in this quote:
“Vernon Davis is still a force to be reckoned with, and Frank Gore will most likely get laid tonight, but there’s something about this team that isn’t producing the right spark. When they find that spark, there will be magic again on the bayside. Mark my words, sucka. The gold rush will be on again. Soon. Next season. Actually, make it 2 seasons. But that shit will happen.”
I’m sorry, was that me that was TOTALLY RIGHT?!?!?!?!? All they needed was Jim Harbaugh and his mystery methods in order to be a reckon-worthy force. The defense has become absolutely frightening. Almost every play ends in an 11-man attempt to savagely strip the ball. When they aren’t in formation, they’re hopping in place. I’ve never quite seen a team with such an equal balance of focus and energy. How it happened, the world will never know.
I’m not going to discuss this actual game and what happened during the last 3 minutes. This is something that you have to watch yourself and make of it what you will. After you digest it, get a hold of me and we will have a dialogue about it.
New England Patriots 45, Denver Broncos 10
What were you expecting? The Addams Family? Looking around the bar, people seem to be authentically pissed that Tim Tebow isn’t putting up a fight. It’s his fault that the Patriots defense found their identity in the form of a common enemy. Every single defender decided that they wanted to ruin little Timmy’s life, so in effect, they’re playing like a team again. And that’s cool, I guess. At this rate, it’s pretty clear that the Patriots will be in the Super Bowl, which is just fine and dandy. It’s not like anybody actually expected someone else to make it.
As Andrew demands that we order shots, the game is just coming to a close. Nobody even has the energy to look up at the television. The game has been over for hours. It never started. It’s nothing. The waitress comes by, some out-of-towner faux-hipster chick that totally doesn’t belong there. She gives Andrew a whole rolodex of their shots. He wants a Flaming Dr Pepper, but it’s not in the rolodex. If he wanted one, why didn’t he just ask? But then again, she doesn’t even know what Wild Turkey is ["Is that a beer? Or a food? What is it?"]. Meanwhile, Jessica is struggling in filling out her Club Keno slip. The only numbers she knows are unlucky, so she can’t help but stay away from them. I suggest that she picks the number 15, in honor of our fallen hero. The number 15 does come up. There’s some general hooting and hollering going on, all coming from my big mouth. It was then that I start my one-man Tebow chant. I say it with my chest, as I know this will be the last time in a while that I put so much heart in such words. The number 15 might have been spot-on, but hardly any other numbers deliver. I think about it for a second, how this could be an allusion to the game we just tried to watch, but instead shrug it off. Andrew closes the rolodex, perplexed, as Karl continues his fixation at the base of the table and Jessica rips up her slip. We all shrug. It’s one big shrugfest. “I guess we’ll just get a shot of Jack…”
Baltimore Ravens 20, Houston Texans 13
It’s funny how you can watch the highlights of this game and believe that the Texans won this game. They simply played better on offense, but it was defense that really made the difference. Look up the stats, they are real. The Texans won in every category except turnovers, of which they had 4 of. Joe Falcco played as Flacco as ever, but it’s easy to score touchdowns when you start your possessions in the redzone. This only proves the theory that everyone has been having and trying to claim their own: The Texans would be in the Super Bowl if they weren’t running their 3rd string rookie QB. You have to at least give TJ Yates the credit that he actually won a playoff game. That’s one hell of a feat in its own right. Arian Foster and Andre Johnson still had stellar days, but it was the turnovers that killed it. Especially this one:
Ed Reed spent the entire day trying to pick off Yates. He was surprisingly unsuccessful the first few times, but then he did it when it really mattered. It still doesn’t make any sense to me as to why he even went for the longball in the first place. There was two fuggin minutes left! Was he really told to get a touchdown as quickly as possible so that they could tie it up and give the ball to Joe Flacc–oh, wait. I see what Kubiak was doing. He wanted the quick TD so that Flacco could go 3 and out to give them the ball back. That makes more sense. And that would’ve happened, too. Because that is exactly what happened after the INT. But then Yates still couldn’t make it to Disneyland. Oh well. If I would’ve actually watched the game, I probably would’ve enjoyed it, but I’m just sad to see a terrible QB like Flacco making it to the Championship. Obviously, the filter in the AFC is very loose this year, but damn, he’s got to be one of the worst in the game. I’d rather watch Sean Salisbury attempt hail marys against the Seahawks…on acid…all of us…all of us on acid. That’d be so much better than a Joe Flacco Super Bowl. Lord, please don’t let this happen.
New Jersey Giants 37, Green Bay Packers 20
"Well guys, I know this won't benefit you, but I'm totally taking Ms America to the Bone Zone..."
Here’s a fun statistic that I failed to mention this entire season: The Patriots do not have the worst defense in the league. In reality, they were 31st in passing and ypg. The 32nd place team? The 15-1 Green Bay Packers. So everyone has ignored this fact because of the tenacity of Aaron Rodgers and the universe around it. People were doing Discount Double-Checks in their sleep. Even the blindest Giants fan would still predict that the Packers were going to take this one, because they’re the fuggin Packers and that’s what they do is win games and do State Farm commercials [I guess it's better than Wrangler Jeans?]. I don’t think a single soul realized how terrible their defense really was. All it took was an out-of-practice gunslinger to show the world how vulnerable they really are.
It had been 21 days since Aaron Rodgers last took a snap. On paper, this is not supposed to make any difference, but the results prove otherwise. Things were simply not right offensively. There were 8 dropped passes. Eight dropped passes. There were 8 passes and 100% of them were dropped. Aaron Rodgers threw 8 dropped passes. Beyond that, Aaron threw 12 other passes that simply were not completed. He was out of practice, as these things tend to happen when you’re benched in week 17 and have a first-round bye. Coaches want their quarterbacks to be as healthy and rested as possible, but the risk of rustiness is hardly ever considered. This rustiness caused the Packers to be the only 15-1 team in history to lose in the Divisional Round. If a loss to the Chiefs caused a woman to strangle her daughter, then I don’t want to know what kind of greasy shit happened after this debacle.
It is also about time to actually believe in the Giants. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not a fan of the team or their annoying fanbase, but I am definitely a believer in their worth. For seemingly the first time this season, their entire defense is healthy. With this in mind, they ripped assholes like you couldn’t imagine. Osi Unmenyiora and Michael Boley had 2 sacks a piece and 4 turnovers were forced. There were 3 fumbles, while they only lost 6 fumbles in the entire regular season. It was painstakingly clear that the bye week and lack of conflict killed the Packers. They rolled into Lambeau cocky and confident, but not determined. And I haven’t even mentioned Eli yet…
Who in the hell actually completes a Hail Mary?!?!? Well, I guess Eli does. He outplayed Aaron Rodgers in every single category. Although they were endlessly shitty in the regular season, we should know by now that the Postseason Giants are a much different team. Hakeem Nicks is on fire. Eli is effective. The running backs, well, they’re okay I guess. What it all boils down to is that the Giants played a better game and were rewarded for doing so. What do you have to say about that, Aaron?
So I suppose that the real question is who I want to see in the Super Bowl. Every analyst keeps talking about only 2 scenarios, both of which sound good. We could have a rematch of Super Bowl XLII with the Patriots and Giants or the Harbaugh Bowl, pitting Jim’s 49ers against John’s Ravens. What people aren’t talking about is the possibility of seeing The Giants and Ravens go at it, which is a game that I probably won’t go through any effort to watch. I really don’t want to sit in a room for 4 hours with annoying fairweather fans to watch a game that I would NEVER consider watching in the regular season. That’s just dirty, man. My ideal matchup would be the Pats and Niners, with Vernon Davis doing an homage to The Last Boy Scout to win the game as time runs out. That’d actually be a Super Bowl worth remembering.
Join me next week, when I’ll be eternally pissed off that the Ravens and Giants won.
-TeeCoZee
