Sometimes, you really have to hate the holidays. Whether it be entertaining guests, going to church, doing some last minute shopping or working your ass off in retail, you probably let a whole weekend of football pass you by. So, I suppose that’s why I’m here to break down this crucial week for you. So, let’s not waste any more of your/my time, because after all, we’re still way too busy.
Minnesota Vikings 33, Washington Redskins 26
The treacherous reign of Adrian Peterson may be over. Okay, well, it might’ve been over for a while now. Although his stats stay up, it is clear that he cannot carry the Vikings to victories. In fact, 5 of the best running backs in the league belong to teams with 5 wins or less. Adrian Peterson cannot win games on his own, nor can he win games period. Now, he’s not going to be doing much of anything.
If you didn’t notice or you sneezed during the clip, AP’s knee goes in the different direction. This could possibly be something that’s career-ending or definitely something that is career-altering. Needless to say, he’s never going to run the same way again. The Vikings staff hopes to see him ready for the 2012 season, but expect him to take the backseat to Toby Gerhart, who has really been picking up the slack in this second half of the season.
Tennessee Titans 23, Jacksonville Jaguars 17
I would be extremely depressed if my name was Maurice Jones-Drew. Not only would I be stuck playing for the hapless Jaguars, but also my name would be unnecessarily long. He leads the league in rushing yards, his teammates on defense are ranked 5th overall, but they have only been able to squeeze in 4 pathetic wins. This seems to be the regular protocol in Jacksonville every year. Statistically, they appear to be a much better team than they really are. To tell you the truth, I care way too little about Jaguar football to break down and analyze exactly why it is that they lost so many games this year. All I see are final scores and I say to myself “Eh, the Jags lost again because they’re shitty and that’s what shitty teams do is play shitty, because if a shitty team wins, they cease to be shitty, but the Jags are shitty so therefore they play shitty. Buhhhh…maybe I should refresh my facebook or something.” And it goes on in a loop like that until I have to leave for work and I dion’t get a single word about the Jaguars written.
Pittsburgh Steelers 27, St Louis Rams 0
I bet the Steelers think they’re all tough and stuff because they shut out the poor, defenseless Rams. Well, they should. The scheduling powers that be gave them an automatic win and they took it with stride. At this point, they have the 5th seed in the AFC, which could easily change. They have yet another automatic win against Cleveland next week, while the Ravens have to deal with the Bengals, who are also fighting for a playoff spot. This leads me to 2 mind-blowing conclusions: Not only is there a possibility of having 3 AFC North teams in the Playoffs, but I’m also not entirely pissed off about it. This is probably because I’m loving those damned Bengals so much. I also just figured that the Steelers and Ravens were going to be in the Playoffs by default, every year until the end of time. I have already accepted such a lame reality.
Carolina Panthers 48, Tampa Bay Bumblefuckaneers 16
You know what I hate about the holidays? Car commercials. For some reason, Americans has some idiotic notion that an automobile makes a perfect Christmas gift. That’s complete bullshit! When a man buys his wife a car for Christmas, it isn’t actually a gift, because they’re fucking married and his debt is now her debt. And now there’s a series of commercials telling us to not get carried away this holiday season, so we should save a bunch of money on an Acura. Huh?!?!? If I was going to resist getting carried away, then buying a car, moped, boat or bicycle is completely out of the question. Let alone an Acura? THAT’S GETTING CARRIED AWAY! In speaking of overpriced cars as Christmas gifts, that other series of Lexus commercials make me even more angry.
Is this really what America has come to? Do the marketing people at Lexus actually expect us to know and recognize the “Lexus December to Remember Sales Event Theme Song”? If I was in an elevator with my girlfriend/wife [which, trust me, I never will be] and some tinny song started playing, I’d freak out and swear it was a bomb. How is that shitty riff supposed to be a dead giveaway? Like, whenever you hear that song, it means somebody is giving their significant other a car? Also, if my wife bought me a Lexus for Christmas, I would be extremely fucking depressed, for 4 reasons:
1) She makes more money than me.
2) I married someone materialistic enough to give a car as a gift.
3) There’s no way I’d be able to top something so damn unnecessary.
4) My wife knows how to change the music in the elevator and she won’t tell me how.
But then there’s this one:
WHO THE FUCK IS STILL PLAYING GUITAR HERO?!?!?
Oakland Raiders 16, Kansas City Chiefs 13 [OT]
Richard Seymour probably had the best day of his life. Actually, that’s an understatement, considering his long and illustrious career. But most defenders spend their entire livelihoods waiting for the one opportunity to block a field goal. Richard did this to close out the first half, but oh snap, he was not done. Late in the 4th quarter, he stuffs Jackie Battle at a crucial 4th and inches. Of course, Kyle Orton and the Chiefs [yes, Kyle Orton is a Chief] came back and rallied for a quick touchdown and then rallied again as regulation ended. Apparently, Kyle Orton is finally inspired to keep a starting job. So they go for a 50 yard field goal with a few seconds left and…
…huh. He blocked it again! If this wasn’t the best day of his life, he must’ve once won The Price Is Right. Take that shit, Romeo Crennel! Your winning streak is officially donezo! So, Richard Seymour, what do you have to say for yourself?
Wise and humble words from a man that’s about to get laid.
Baltimore Ravens 20, Cleveland Browns 14
Wow, Joe Flacco got 2 touchdown passes. How generic of him. I would say more about this game, but when I clicked on it on nfl.com to grab some statistics, my eyeballs got raped at the sight of Larry The Cable Guy. Good lord…
Cincinnati Bengals 23, Arizona Cardinals 16
Jerome Simpson. Jerome Simpson. Jerome Simpson. Jerome Simpson.
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Thank you for making me belee in the Bengals, Jerome Simpson.
Indianapolis Colts 19, Houston Texans 16
Dan Orlovsky is a selfish ass. This man actually expects to have a job next year. What fuggin nerve he has! Going out and winning the game, dancing around and telling the state of Indiana, “You’re Welcome”. Does he think that winning games would impress the crowd? I’ve seen a lot of players suck at sucking, but this Doucher McDoucherson takes the Douche Cake of Douchiness. Doesn’t he get the hint? They started him because Jim Caldwell was confident that he would lose games! Now Jim is going to get shitcanned like Tony Spirano, even though we all know that it was Reggie Bush’s fault that the Dolphins started winning. And it’s all because Dan Orlovsky wanted to prove to the world that he’s capable of doing something other than playing terribly. I’ll tell ya, he would be better off going to the homes of every Colts fan and shitting in their stocking. We all know that the Rams are going to lose next week, so unless they start a malfunctioning RoboManning [or Eli], they’re going to end up with some other second-rate QB to play backup. Let me guess…Sam Bradford…
San Francisco 49ers 19, Seattle Seahawks 17
Somehow, I feel like Marshawn Lynch has gone too far with his Skittles endorsement. Nike and Mars got together to make him a pair of shoes that make him look like a Nascar driver. I wonder if it’s even legal in the NFL rulebook. They won’t let Tebow put bible verses under his eyes, Michael Strahan wasn’t allowed to eat Subway sandwiches while playing, nor is Aaron Rodgers allowed to stop the game and grab a microphone so he can tell everyone about State Farm Insurance. But hell, maybe the Skittles shoes actually work. Lynch actually got a touchdown in this game. Normally, this doesn’t sound like much. But somehow, some way, the 49ers defense has not allowed a rushing TD this entire season, until now. I wonder why this ridiculous statistic was never stated before. Rushing touchdowns happen all the damn time! While you’re reading this, someone out there is scoring a rushing touchdown. How in god’s name did the 49ers defense perform such an impossible accomplishment? I guess there’s a reason why they’re 12-3…because it sure as hell isn’t because of Braylon Edwards, who got released from the team today. You have to be playing really poorly to get dropped after week 16. They could’ve just benched him throughout the postseason and then be done with him. But no, he apparently doesn’t even deserve a paycheck. It’s cutthroat decision making like that that put the Niners on the map this year. But then again, wouldn’t they had just gotten rid of Alex Smith as well? Eh, whatever.
The Battle of New Jersey ended in favor of the Blue Team, 29-14
Here’s 5 things that happened in this game:
1) Victor Cruz got a 99 yard touchdown, making it the longest play in Giants history.
2) Rex Ryan yelled a lot.
3) Eli only completed 9 passes.
4) In fact, Victor Cruz aside, nobody really did anything to prove that either team was worthy to be in the Playoffs, but yet, they were both competing for it.
5) After the game, Brandon Jacobs allegedly went up to Rex Ryan and said something to the extent of “time to shut up, fat boy”. Now, of course, this is all over the news. This is extremely typical of any team that represents “New York”. They always have to be a rag-tag gang of shit-talkers, haters and shit-talking player haters. Does it even matter if these two teams hate each other? It’s not like they’re going to be playing another game any time soon. This surely isn’t a preview of this year’s Super Bowl, or any future Super Bowl for that matter. So why does the press have to fabricate animosity like this? I guess it’s because they’re New Yorkers and there’s nothing that New Yorkers hate more than other New Yorkers that think that they’re better. For that matter, who cares if Brandon Jacobs told Rex Ryan to shut up? Everything he said was valid in the shit-talking rulebook. Not only is Rex Ryan fat, but he also has the gabbering jaw of a poker player in Howard Beach. I’m sure plenty of people have said “Rex Ryan is fat and should probably shut up, because his team sucks and stuff”. In fact, I’ll do it right now:
Dear Rex Ryan,
You are a fat asshole. You should wire your jaw shut, so that no more hoagies can go in and no more bullshit can come out.
Sincerely,
Troy Patrick Turnwald
P.S. Bring back Testaverde!
New England Patriots 27, Miami Dolphins 24
I swear, letting the Patriots play on defense is just like pulling a goalie. You take the loss of talent to have a better offense and you pray to god that the ball/puck doesn’t find it’s way into your own territory. The invisible D allowed Matt Moore to throw 3 touchdown passes, Reggie Bush to get 150+ AP yards and Brandon Marshall to catch a buck fitty-6. If it wasn’t for the fact that they have the best offense of the millennia, they would’ve lost this one by a landslide. So Billy Bill gets to tally off another win on the board, but god help them if they face anyone in the playoffs that can outscore them. Hmm…they have the possibility of facing the Ravens, Jets, Steelers, Broncos, Raiders, Texans, Bengals, or Titans. That’s a toughie. What do you think, Bill?
I think what he’s trying to say is that somehow, they’re going to be just fine…
Green Bay Packers 35, Chicago Bears 21
Like, woah dude! I
I don’t know what I love more: a Bears losing streak or a Bears losing streak. They spent most of the season making me sad, beating all of my favorite teams within an inch of their lives. Now they’ve lost 5 in a row and will probably lose more, spilling some losses into the 2012 season. They have fuggin Josh McCown taking the snaps! That guy wasn’t even good enough to be a Cardinal! In his 9 year career, he’s had more interceptions than touchdowns. Hell, he has more fumbles than touchdowns! Even Dan Orlovsky has done better than that! This guy better know where to find some fantastic weed, because he’s going to need it when everyone in the Chicagoland area is trying to break down his door for a mass strangling. For a city that really hates their quarterbacks, they really don’t know how to pick up a good one…
Philadelphia Eagles 20, Dallas Cowboys 7
Well, the Cowboys are just about done. Tony Romo hurt his hand early on in the game and Felix Jones left the game soon after. So now they’re on their 14th and 15th string RBs. The Cowboys this year are the true definition of snakebitten. They were doing so well, at one point definitely the best team in the East. But now it seems as if every one of their stars have burnt out. This could only mean that they have to fall down to the Giants next week, so that Tom Coughlin and Co can limp into the Playoffs. And it’s a real damned shame. I was really excited about DeMarco Murray the entire season and now it’s debatable whether or not he’s going to rush the same way again. It was way too soon for a young RB to get injured and I’m sure his short career will be chock-full of problems. I suppose there’s always next year, but damn, I am pretty disappointed. Their bandwagon was hella comfortable…
Buffalo Bills 40, Denver Broncos 14
The world must be coming to an end if Tebow can’t pull off a miracle on Christmas Eve. You would think that on that day of all days, against a shitty team like the Bills, Tebow would’ve been able to work a little bit of his magic. Well, he was definitely in position to. Down by 12, with plenty of time left in the fourth, it seemed all too familiar. But instead of pulling a Tebow, Tim pulled a Philly Rivs. He threw a pick-six and then on the very next play, threw another one, tallying up 4 picks on the day. This was by far his darkest hour and a whole lot of fat people are starting to shut up. Suddenly, analysts are treating him as a mere mortal instead of a Christ Incarnite. Suddenly, everyone is finally saying what I have been saying all season: Tim Tebow is just a regular NFL QB and a mediocre one, at best. The only problem is that their magic worked for too long and now all they have to do is beat Kansas City next week in order to win the division. I’m sorry, Romeo Crennel! I want you to start ANOTHER winning streak! I’d even be happy if the streak continues into next season! You need to get your pitbulls in order, Romeo. For the sake of your job! For the sake of the AFC! For the sake of my sanity!
New Orleans Saints 45, Atlanta Falcons 16
OMBFG! Did you hear??!?!? Drew Brees broke Dan Marino’s passing record! Are you sure you didn’t hear? They stopped the damn game for it!
I have lost a lot of respect for the NFL and ESPN. Records are broken all the time. How is it that the officials can allow Sean Payton to call a timeout after the record was broken, so that he can celebrate more and some annoying-ass hoser can scream “Dreewwww Breeeeeeeezzzz” over the PA? How is it that a WR can get a 50+ yard catch negated because he tossed the ball to someone on the sidelines and wiped invisible dirt off his chest, but yet this act of showmanship is clearly allowed? How is it that ESPN can claim to have more integrity than any other sports network, but yet when the extra point was kicked, the cameras stayed to the sidelines? I do believe that Drew Brees deserves some congratulations, but please, I really don’t want to see the entire world sucking his dick. I would much rather watch some football. Nay, I would rather watch NBA Basketball…
Detroit Lions 38, San Diego Chargers 10
I knew that when this game ended, I was going to feel a mixture of joy and sadness. So it appears that I will not root for the Chargers again until next September [as next week, I'll be rooting for Oakland to demolish them]. The only thing that I hope is that Norv Turner doesn’t get fired at the end of the season. After being a fan for so many years, it is obvious that the team’s flaws are not coming from the sidelines, but rather, from upstairs. The franchise simply does not have enough money to keep any of their good players. They have squandered off the likes of Antonio Cromartie, Michael Turner, Darren Sproles, Ladanian Tomlinson and countless others. This was not because they were underperforming, but because they didn’t want to pay them the wage they deserved. It’s a sad state of affairs, but it is now clear that the Chargers can not be successful until they make that move to Los Angeles, where sold-out stadiums can generate the revenue to pick up/keep marquee players.
But none of this really matters, because for the first time in over a decade, the Detroit Fucking Lions are in the playoffs! Joining me in celebration is my partner in grime, Robert Nastro in the return of his column, “The Lion’s Den w/ Ol’ Uncle Nasty”:
I didn’t write about the Detroit Lions for five weeks after the debacle at Soldier Field, in which the Lions were throttled by the Chicago Bears after coming off a bye week. It was a rough game. The wind was swirling. The Lions were reeling. Matthew Stafford was wearing gloves. Shit wasn’t right.
I didn’t really decide to stop writing about them. It just kind of happened. I guess I just wanted to watch and see what would happen. I didn’t want to make bold statements and argue my points. Nor did I want to bitch about stupid penatlies and blown out of proportion suspenions. I just wanted to see how they would respond and fight with their backs to the wall. I wanted to see if the Roar was truly Restored, as I’d said so many times in the first 9 weeks of the season. I wanted to make no more opinions, no more predictions and no more analysis. After emerging from my seclusion from The Roundup, I am back and proud to affirm that the Roar has been Restored.
You haven’t heard anything out of the Den in five weeks right? I just so happen to have five things I really would like to mention.
1. Lions losses
The Lions have 10 wins this season and could potentially finish at 11-5, which is pretty impressive considering they where an 0-16 just three seasons ago. What is really interesting is that no one wants to talk about the quality of the teams that the Lions have lost to. A loss is a loss, but if you really think about it, good teams should beat good teams and get beat by good teams and vice-versa. Let me break it down:
Loss 1: San Fransisco 49rs. Currently the number 2 seed in the NFC, the 49ers are considered by some to have the best defense in the NFL. On a side note: Jim Harbaugh’s a douche.
Loss 2: Atlanta Falcons. Currently the number 6 seed in the NFC, the Falcons are the Lions worst loss of the season. That’s funny to me, considering they’re going to make the playoffs.
Loss 3: Chicago Bears. If the Lions would have lost to the Bears without Cutler or Forte playing, I would have considered it an unacceptable loss. They didn’t. They just so happend to lose to the Bears team that was surging on a very windy day at Soldier field with a Quarterback wearing gloves and playing with a broken finger. Point made.
Loss 4: Green Bay Packers. Currently the number 1 seed in the NFC and also the Golden Boys of the NFL, the Packers are the team to beat. It’s just sad the team to do it was the Kansas City Chiefs. Wa Wa Waaaaaa.
Loss 5: New Orleans Saints. Currently the number 2 seed in the NFC, the Saints are no slouches themselves. I’m pretty sure Sproles averaged at least 45 points a week for Coze in our fantasy league. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that Drew Brees broke Dan Marino’s record for passing yards in a season. You know what’s funny about that? If Matthew Stafford wouldn’t have broken his finger, he probably would have broken the record too. [Ed. Note: You have a point. Most defenses didn't even start their season yet.]
2. Mattew Stafford gets my vote for MVP
Look, it’s not easy to be a quarterback in the NFL. Most of the time, when you are a top 5 quarterback selection, you’re going to get thrown into the fire and learn on the run. Sometimes you get lucky (see Mark Sanchez being drafted by the Jets) and end up on a team with a stellar defense and a decent offensive line. Sometimes you’re not so lucky (see Matthew Stafford being drafted by the Detroit Lions) and end up on a team that had just gone winless. But that’s not how Stafford saw it. He saw it as an opportunity to turn around a franchise that had been in the depths of hell for more then a decade. He saw it as the chance to become the first franchise quarterback the Lions have seen since Bobby Lane. He has broken several of Scott Mitchell’s records and that is impressive even if it doesn’t seem impressive (because it’s Scott Mitchell). The man is only 23 years old and if you want stats, I’ve got them:
Stafford’s Stats/Franchise Rank/Lions Record
TD’s: 36/ 3rd (Tied) /32 Mitchell
Passing Yards: 4,518/ 5th /4,338 Mitchell
QB Rating: 96.6/ 6th /101.7 Krieg
Completions: 385/ 2nd /372 Kitna
Passing Attempts: 604/ 2nd /596 Kitna
Percentage: 63.7/ 5th /63.2 Kitna
INT’s: 14/ 11th (Tied)
As you can see, the numbers do not lie. I don’t think anyone is more valuable to their team then Matthew Stafford. Well, maybe Calvin Johnson…but still…
3. Careful, you might SNUB your nose.
Even if you don’t think Stafford should be an MVP candidate, you at least have to consider him the third best quarterback in the NFC. There is no way I’m taking Eli Manning or Tony Romo over Stafford in a fantasy draft. Do you remember when the Cowboys played the Lions? I do and I’m pretty sure Tony Romo choked big time. And what was up with Eli Manning in that Monday night meltdown against the redskins? Three picks and no TD’s? So lame. And let’s not forget that Matthew Stafford has led the Lions to more comebacks than any other quarterback in NFL history. Did I mention he’s 23? Did we already talk about his broken finger? He just so happens to have thrown 9 touchdowns and over 900 yards in his past three games. Plus, he’s got the wink.
4. Not Media-Friendly
Why is it when the Lions were really bad, everyone wanted to talk about them? To dog on them and say they were a pile of shit just waiting to be scooped up and thrown over the fence. The were the doormat of the NFL. The game everyone circled on the schedule. The Lie Downs. The Dandy Lions. Talk shit. Talk shit. Talk shit. Now, they are good, borderline really good and at times, amazing. Last week, they put together arguably the best game of their season. They manhandled a red-hot San Diego team who had just given the business to a highly-seeded Ravens. Yet nobody wants to talk about the Detroit Lions. They want to talk about the great season finale between the Giants and Cowboys, because which ever team loses will be at .500. It will be very interesting to see just how much the Lions will have to do to start getting recognition as a good team. Obviously, having the best wide reciever and a top 10 quarterback isn’t enough.
5. The Darkhorse
I believe the Lions are THE darkhorse in the race for the NFC championship:
vs. San Fransico, they have the Jim Harbaugh Factor. You know Detroit’s players have Schwartz’s back (see the double gatorade shower he recieved after last weekend’s win) and would love to get one back for the lack of respect Harbaugh showed their coach.
vs. Green Bay, they have the Suh Factor. Everyone will want to bring up the last time the teams met and how Suh violently kicked an offensive linemen and then proceded to go on a murder spree through the streets of Detroit, eating children whenever possible. It was something like that. Either way, the Lions will be looking to show the Pack what it’s like to have to play them for two entire halves of smashmouth football.
vs. The Saints, they have Drew Brees Factor. Now that he holds the record for most passing yards, he’s got a target on his back. Out of any other quarterback, Drew Brees is the QB that Matthew Stafford most reminds me of. Brees may be slightly more athletic, but stafford has shown an ability to scramble and also throw lasers in comprimising situations. Both have that gunslinger mentality and a knack to stay cool in pressure situations. Stafford and the Lions will certainly want to prove to the Saints that they too possess a high powered and very dangerous passing attack.
vs. The Giants and Cowboys. I’d rather not talk about these two misfit and mediocre teams. ESPN does enough of that.
Jesus…well…I guess that does make up for your month-long absence! So I suppose this means the Lion’s Den will continue on into the Post-Season for the first time ever. That means even less work for me to do! [Or I'll probably just pitch in my side of the story...]
I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the face that the season is coming to a close. Two weeks from now, I’ll only be covering 4 games instead of 16. And then 4 more. And then 2. And then one. At least I have absolutely nothing to do on New Years Day, except drag my hung-over ass to the couch, make a giant heaping serving of cheese fries and watch every single minute of action that Week 17 has to offer. If the regular season has to end, then I’m going to appreciate every last damn second of it! Or else, you wouldn’t call me…
…TeeCoZee.
