The only thing that scared me this Halloween weekend was the thought that the season is almost halfway over. Even though I did numerous times, I feel like I haven’t had the chance to veg out on the couch and let a full 9 hours of football soak through me. So this week, I knew I had to do it [again, probably for the 4th time this season]. I locked my door, surrounded myself with a Hot & Ready pizza, a 2 liter of Sun Drop, a bag of BBQ pork rinds [yes, they DO still exist!] & another bag of buffalo flavored pretzel nugget sunsovbitches and turned my brain onto autopilot for an entire day. What follows is the end result of this endeavor.
Baltimore Ravens 30, Arizona Cardinals 27
I actually spent 80% of this game scratching my head. There was so much dandruff floating around, you’d think it was a Christmas coke party. Halfway through the game, the Ravens were down 24-3, in a performance more brutal that last week’s schlockfest against Jacksonville. There’s only one way to explain the Raven’s offense as of late. It is obvious that Joe Flacco rode on a ferris wheel that accidentally travelled through time. He saw a career-ending injury in the playoffs, then the next Jerry Rice being drafted. Now back in the present, fueled by destiny and Hansen’s Energy Drink, Joe Flacco is determined to not only miss the playoffs, but to get the perfect draft slot to pick up that wide receiver. Although, he has to be careful, as he could lose his job. That’s why when he saw that the Texans had a hold on the game, he would decide to take control himself. Joe Flacco also saw ecoli poisoning in his future. In effect, he refuses to eat greens. His butcher will die a happy man and it will happen soon.
Minnesota Vikings 24, Carolina Panthers 21
Christian Ponder wins a game?!!? That’s news you can use! But it might not have been so. Somehow this game ended up being a nail biter. This can be attributed to the sheer joy and ecstasy that America gets out of watching Cam Newton play and the sadistic curiosity or a a rookie QB coming off the bench. They both actually played well. Christian Ponder is already getting adjusted to his offense, finding multiple completions to the likes of Harvin, Shiancoe and Jenkins. It must also be a load off his back to have Adrian Peterson on his side, so that he doesn’t have to lead the team 100% of the time. In hindsight, if Ponder could get a good-looking win like this, why couldn’t McNabb? I must interject, however, because the Vikings probably shouldn’t have won this game. Or, at least, not as easily. With a minute and some change to spare, Cam Newton drove down the field like never before. It was an easy setup: kick a 31 yard field goal as time expires then hope for the better in overtime. Simple, right? Well, the only problem was that Cam Newton wasn’t assigned to kick said field goal. Somebody else had to do it.
Simply haunting…
New Jersey Giants 20, Miami Dolphins 17
There was a brief period of time of which I felt like the Dolphins weren’t trying to lose every game. But in reality, it was just Reggie Bush, fucking things up like he always does. Reggie can never get anything right. At first, he plays for a team that’s all about winning and he doesn’t feel like doing that. So, he got sent to a team that’s all about losing and now he wants to win? Get your shit straight, Reggie Bush! Are you a winner or a loser? In speaking of losers, how do you think Matt Moore feels? Here he is, losing every game of the season on purpose, so that they can draft a QB that might work out better. Why would he waste away his career like that? I know it’s hard to be a quarterback in the NFL, but the least you can do is try! He shouldn’t listen to what Tony Sporano says, because there is no way that he is going to be around at the end of the season. I really feel like there should be something in the rules against purposefully losing every game. The founding fathers could never imagine that a group of people would try to exploit the sport, and really, I can’t believe it’s actually going on myself. I also can’t believe that the Giants are on top of the NFC East. Aye Colombo…
Houston Texans 24, Jacksonville Jaguars 14
If anyone ever tries to tell you that football is not an artform, smack him/her/it in the face. They obviously deserve it. After the person becomes infuriated and asks what “your fucking problem” is, present this play, and only this play:
[The play starts at 0:55. I had found a video of just the play, but it was already deleted.]
It takes a true artist to choreograph a play like this. It’s a wall consisting of 1,305 lbs of human flesh, moving at full speed. It is obvious that this play was practiced all day long, so that it could be executed in the rare situation of it being possible. It’s plays like this that reminds everyone of the possibilites of the game. The fact that gargantuan linemen can lateral a ball back and forth to each other, during an actual game with adrenaline pumping and a crowd deafening, is undoubtedly enlightening. It showcases the minute moments of joy that everyone can share from watching the sport. It’s these plays that encourage me to ponder whether or not the point of sports is financial gain. I’m sure most of the guys involved in this wall make a fairly blue-collar salary. They do it because it’s what they know and love. It has something to do with the values of teamwork and making the world a happier place. It’s purely controlled entertainment, in the guise of a multi-billion dollar enterprise. It’s all of these things and more, but most of all, it’s art.
St Louis Rams 31, New Orleans Saints 21
Top 5 explanations as to how the Rams got their first win of the year:
5) They were wearing the throwback LA Rams uniforms. Teams wearing throwbacks always win. Just ask the Buccaneers.
4) The Saints beat that Colts 62-7 last week. In league history, only 9 teams have had a margin of victory that high. But how many of those teams actually won their following game? 2 of them.
3) After watching the St Louis Cardinals win the world series, Steve Spagnuolo looked to his wife and said “Shit, I can do that…win games…”.
2) The Rams were simply ready to play. Steven Jackson was fired up and took the helm as the offense’s spiritual leader. In effect, he had his best rushing game in years and took a lot of pressure off of backup AJ Feely. The defense might as well had been possessed, as they mercilessly clogged up Drew Brees’ options and put constant pressure on him. Plain as day, they were coming off a no-win stretch while watching their local affiliates win it all, so they became determined to win one measly game. The fact that it came against the Saints doesn’t matter and should not make it any more or less shocking. The fact is that they did it and they can rest easy at night.
1) They watched this before the game:
What? You thought I was going to let the Rams win a game without posting a video of “Ram It”? Sheet, you cwazy…
Tennessee Titans 27, Indianapolis Colts 10
I was sitting on the stoop today, eating a perfectly made turkey-avocado-lettuce-tomato-onion-mayo sandwich. I wondered to myself what story I would write for my “I was sitting on the stoop” segment. This is what I came up with:
I was sitting on the stoop today, eating a perfectly made turkey-avocado-lettuce-tomato-onion-mayo sandwich. I wondered to myself what story I would write for my “I was sitting on the stoop” segment.
Buffalo Bills 23, Washington Redskins 0
Even when they suck, the Bills have to be one of the coolest franchises in the league. What other team has a fanbase in a different city, that’s so huge that they play a game there once a year? That’s so damn cool! I know there’s Packers fans in the UP, but do they have an annual game there? Hell no. Ever see the Cardinals play in Mexico? They wouldn’t let them! The Patriots in Maine? Shut up, that’ll never happen [because there probably isn't a stadium there]. This week was the Bill’s yearly trip to Toronto and for the first time ever, they actually won. Also, for the first time ever, Mike Shanahan’s team got shut out. I can’t decide if that’s good for the Bills or horrible for Mike Shanahan. Probably both, who cares? The Bill’s defense will kill your family. Ryan Fitzpatrick has a Harvard degree in being a badass with a good beard. Insert any other explicit comments about what happens to my loins every time I think about the Bills and you’ll get the picture.
Detroit Lions 45, Denver Broncos 10
I really want to cover this game. I really, really want to cover this game. It was one of the most hilarious pieces of non-fiction that’s ever been conceived. Here to laugh with us is my partner in grime, Robert Nastro. This is “The Lion’s Den w/ Ol’ Uncle Nastro”
Tebowing [Tee-Bow-Ing] v. To get down on a knee and start praying, even if everyone around you is doing something else.
e.g. Tim is “Tebowing” after being sacked, while the opposing quarterback is doing something else like playing like an NFL quarterback.
e.g. Tim is “Tebowing” after being blown out by the Detroit Lions at home, praying that Kyle “What happened to the neck beard?” Orton doesn’t reclaim the starting Quarterback job.
I think it’s about time that all the Tim Tebow supporters ABORT the idea of him ever being able to play in the NFL. Too soon? I don’t care. Look, Tim Tebow isn’t a bad guy. He has a great personality, says the right things, and I’m sure he’s an excellent teammate. Well, wide receivers may feel differently. I’m pretty sure Brandon Loyd is happy that he was traded before the reigns where handed over to Tim “the lack of tools man” Tebow. Leaving the Denver Broncos in some desperate need of “Home Improvement”. In all honesty, I hated Tebow when he played for Florida. Granted, I generally dislike most players that are media darlings and Tim was The Main Event all through out his college career.
From the beginning, I amongst many others, said he would never make it as an NFL quarterback. Obviously the Denver Bronco fan base thought otherwise. I have a very difficult time understanding how a franchise lets it’s fans make the decision of who starts at quarterback. Isn’t Brady Quinn on that team? I mean, he may not be the future, but at least he played in a pro-style offense at Notre Dame. And why exactly was everybody hating on Kyle Orton so much? [Ed Note: Because he sucks dick and will always suck dick] No, he didn’t play his prettiest football at the beginning of the season, but at the same time, he was basically subjected to Timmy breathing down his neck. But enough about the Denver Bronocs, because they basically Te-”Blow”, let’s talk about a real team.
The Detroit Lions finally seemed to click on all cylinders Sunday at Mile High Stadium. Surgeon General Matthew Stafford was back to old ways, as he sliced and diced his way through the Bronco’s Secondary. Calvin Johnson transformed into Megatron, coming up with several huge catches, including a 40 plus touchdown reception where he was able to high step into the end zone while still moving faster then defenders. The dirty dozen played ferociously sacking Denver’s QuarterbackRunningback joke of an NFL player seven times and flustering him all day. Cliff “A+” Avril forced two sacks taking one in for a touchdown and Chris Houston intercepted Tim Tebow taking it back 100 yards for the pick six. The special teams played tremendous, leaving Denver’s punter so frustrated that at one point, he pushed John Wendling in the helmet and received a personal foul. Tony “The Chef” Scheffler cooked up his third touchdown of the season and once again didn’t dissapoint on the celebration. He hit the Broncos with a double whammy, first “Tebowing” after the touchdown to then joining Calvin Johnson for the “Mile High Salute”.
This was definitely not a “must win” game for the Lions, but it was proof that they are indeed a playoff contending team. They now head into the Bye Week at a perfect time to get some of their key players healthy. Playoff implications are abound in the next game, as they face off against the Bears.
And just one reminder to all you Tim Tebow haters…Jesus is still starting him on his fantasy team.
I’m still starting him on my fantasy team, too…but only because I can’t trust Carson Palmer.
Pittsburgh Steelers 25, New England Patriots 17
Over the past decade, I’ve been sick of the same teams being so dominant in the AFC. I think that’s why so many people greeted Peyton Manning’s injury with open arms. It meant that some other team has a chance to actually do something in the postseason. But the Steelers and Patriots are still as stellar as ever. They’re so stellar that it’s almost boring to watch them play against each other. It’s like watching competitive weight lifting, which I am sure is excruciating to spectate. This time around, Mike Tomlin and the Steelers had the Patriots all figured out. The only thing they had to do was eat up the clock mercilessly, throwing short pass after short pass. Sure, it proved to be more than effective, but man was I falling asleep. You need at least 30 mg of adderall to be able to watch a complete game of nothing but slow burns down the field. But hell, whatever it takes to win, right? But there was a payoff at the end:
On what was supposed to be a “game winning drive”, Tom Brady loses the ball and Troy Polamalu punches said ball into the endzone, resulting in a safety. It was actually…kind of interesting. Then Phil Simms started bitching up a fit, complaining that the punch was illegal, so then Jim Nantz pimp slapped him. Fun times were had by all.
Cincinnati Bengals 34, Seattle Seahawks 12
Now that they’re 5-2, I think it’s about time that we talk seriously about the Bengals. Andy Dalton is shaping up to be a good QB. It’d be easy to also say that he’s a franchise QB, considering how well his stupid hair matches his stupid helmet. The man was obviously born to be a Bengal [or a Brown]. He is also blessed with being drafted alongside AJ Green, with whom he has had immediate chemistry. It’s only been 7 games, but if they turn out to be one of the greatest duos of all-time, I want to be one of the first to mention it. They simply work well together and I don’t think it’s going to change any time soon. It’s nice to hype up guys like Cam Newton, but his targets are geezers [wasn't Steve Smith in a Super Bowl once? Geezer...]. 5-2 is not a terrible position to be in, considering that there might not be much competition for a Wild Card slot. We know that Buffalo/New England will be a shoe-in, but as long as Joe Flacco stays Flacco, they’re going to be playing some games in January.
San Francisco 49ers 20, Cleveland Browns 10
If week 8 could be summarized, it would be The Week of The Fat Guys. In the first quarter, Alex Smith threw at 17 yard pass to Joe Staley.
Who is Joe Staley? He’s a 315 lb Offensive Tackle [who also happens to be from Rockford, MI] that got written into a play. Then, later on, he throws an 18 yarder to Isaac Sopoaga. This guy is a 330 lb Hawaiian Nose Tackle. These were both legitimate plays. I think head coach Jim Harbaugh is onto something. I wonder if this will turn into a new fad, like the Wildcat Formation. It seems like a genius form of misdirection, but one that can end terribly if executed in a repetitive fashion. But just wait, coming soon, you’ll be seeing the true thunder that is The Stafford-Suh Connection!
Philadelphia Eagles 34, Dallas Cowboys 7
Is anyone else sick of seeing the Eagles and Cowboys play games in primetime? No? Shut up, you know you are…
Kansas City Chiefs 23, San Diego Chargers 20 [OT]
Alright, alright, settle down. How did Phillip Rivers lose the game this time? Well, it probably didn’t help that he started 2/8 with 2 interceptions. But, I guess it didn’t hurt either, as Kansas City’s offense was just as abysmal. For the third week in a row, Phillip Rivers has performed The Anti-Miracle. Oy, let’s go to the tape:
I would’ve loved to just glow about how Curtis Brinkley is the answer to the San Diego running game, with his dynamic style and agility. But Phil had to ruin it for all of us. All he had to do was kneel the ball to set things up for a short Nick Novak field goal to win the game. Instead, he keeps his hands closed-ish during the snap, loses the ball, goes into overtime, goes 3 and out and loses the game. How do you fuck up something so simple? It’s been hinted at all season, but now the world is definitely sure that something is wrong with Phillip Rivers. The only way to describe him as of late is distracted. It’s not a secret injury, like people have speculated. It’s also not due to the constant offensive injuries, as the same shit happened last year with little consequence. There is simply something wrong in his personal life and it’s getting in the way of his professional life [which should be his life, period]. Whatever is going on, Phil needs to figure it out quickly. Next week, he goes against the undefeated Packers, then the Raiders [which will probably be Carson Palmer's "Coming Out Game"] and then go on the road against the Bears. This is not going to be easy at all. If Norv Turner wants to have a sliver of a shot at playoff contention, he better hope that Phil gets his head straight. Either that, or bring in Billy Volek. And you know what happens when you bring in Billy Volek…
…they actually win games somehow.
Join me next week, when I’ll probably be explaining why Tim Tebow got benched mid-game and Jeremy Shockey is dead. Enjoy the daylight in between 6 and 7 PM, while it lasts. As overrated as it is, we’ll be missing it soon. Just like Tim Tebow.
-TeeCoZee
