It’s week 5 in the NFL season, which means that the bye weeks have finally started. This is a curse for fantasy owners, but a good thing for real live football players. This is also good for me, because that means that I have 3 less games to write about. Ultimately, this also benefits you, as you have less words to read! This roundups going to be shorter than Wes Welker! It’s going to be so short that I’m going to end this introduction abruptly! But not abruptly enou
Buffalo Bills 31, Philadelphia Eagles 24
I’ll spare you all of my incessant fanboy joygasming about how I’ve been waiting years for the Bills to have a breakout year. Let’s talk about the Eagles for a second. The concept of The Dream Team is dead. It’s obvious at this point that Michael Vick is not consistent enough to be the MVP quarterback that the whole world was hoping for. It seemed like if we had these high expectations for him and he fulfilled them, we could all forgive him for his sins. But with 4 straight losses and throwing 4 picks in this game, it’s due time that we start digging up more dirt on ol’ Mikey. For what it’s worth, Michael Vick has become the face of Philadelphia, which means that he will be blamed for everything. And he should be. After all, it is his fault that Jeremy Maclin is having problems running his routes. It’s his fault that Fred Jackson had 200 all-purpose yards. Jason Avants lost fumble? You know damn well that was Mike’s fault. You see, when something goes wrong in a game like this and you can’t even name a single person on the offensive or defensive line, you have to find a scapegoat. And who better to be that than the quarterback? And who to blame than the one with the high expectations and a dirty past? Case rested.
New Orleans Saints 30, Carolina Panthers 27
Just like the Eagles, the Panthers are 1-4. The whole world is going apeshit about Cam Newton and those that are not like to point out the 1-4 record. But what does a record even mean? All 4 of those losses were one possession away from being wins and most of their opponents were elite-ish teams. Some people were just born to runner-up. Just look at the Raiders, 49ers or Texans. They have spent the last couple of seasons on the verge of being great, but were held down by heartbreaking losses, terrible coaching and a tough division [wait, the NFC West? Nevermind...]. So even if the Panthers finish 3-13, would it be unfair to say that they are still playoff contenders for 2012? Or should we just belittle them as being yet another mediocre team with talent going to waste? 1998 Colts went 3-13, but everyone kept their mouths shut. This was because they had a rookie QB with a lot of promise. And how did Peyton Manning and the Colts do the next year? 13-3. I’m not trying to say that Cam Newton is the next Peyton Manning, but maybe we should resume going apeshit, if only for a little while longer. Just for the sheer joy of it.
Oakland Raiders 25, Houston Texans 20
Unless you spent the weekend on a coke bender with Wayne Fontes, you probably heard that Al Davis passed away. Actually, even if you were coking out with Wayne, you probably heard about it. You were just too fried to remember. And if you don’t know who Al Davis is, you have probably been spending too much time with Wayne Fontes. So allow me to tell you: Al Davis was the glaring, rotting, sunglass toting face of the Oakland Raiders franchise. He started coaching for them in 1962, leading them to their first winning season. He also spent some time as the AFL commissioner. He then quit because he was disgusted by the prospect of an AFL-NFL merger. Then he went on to be the owner, general manager and puppetmaster of the Raiders until, well, a few days ago. In the 49 years that he spent with the franchise, there were only a few games that didn’t have his presence. Even at the crisp age of 82, he was still instrumental in doing absofuckinglutley everything with the franchise. He even went to the scouting combines, watching every prospect. Although the look on his face over the past decade has said nothing but “brain dead”, he still made every single decision [and no, I'm not going to insert a joke here]. Al Davis was professional football and anybody who would argue that must really hate the sport and themselves. His passing left the entire league crestfallen and the Raiders were so heartbroken that they weren’t even able to win the game properly. So Matt Shaub, in a grandiose act of humility, took a dive and gave the Raiders a win. It was the least he could’ve done to show his condolences.
Kansas City Chiefs 28, Indianapolis Colts 24
Curtis Painter is a quarterback. Someday he may be a good quarterback. But one thing he is not is a robot. Any questions?
Cincinnati Benglas 30, Jacksonville Jaguars 10
Just like a drug dealer that delivers Taco Bell to your doorstep, everyone loves an end-of-game desperation play. Deep inside, we all know that all the incessant laterals, fumbles, dances, dodges and whoop whoops won’t result in that team winning the game, but there’s always a chance that it will. This game was no different. With a handful of seconds to go and down by 3, Blaine Gabbert [why do all of the white rookie qbs have the douchiest names this year?] throws a short pass to Mike Thomas, and hilarity ensues.
Other than that, this game was unremarkable. It was Andy Dalton vs Blaine Gabbert. Words cannot describe how boring that sounds. And words cannot be made to make it sound exciting.
Minnesota Vikings 34, Arizona Cardinals 10
Hey, cool! The Vikings finally won a game! This must mean that Donovan McNabb is coming around! Wait, 10 for 21? That doesn’t sound right. Well, it couldn’t have been…Adrian Peterson? Really? Adrian Peterson found his On Switch? I thought that shit broke a long time ago! 3 touchdowns in the first quarter? What the buttfuck? You’re telling me he didn’t…he didn’t…he didn’t fumble? Is that right? There must be something horribly wrong with the Cardinal’s defensive line. I mean, they DID give him the ball 29 times. It was just overkill, that’s it. Adrain Peterson can’t possibly be making a comeback. No, this can’t be happening. It isn’t happening. This didn’t happen. It was all McNabb. Yeah, McNabb threw for 497 yards, because he’s the shit. Adrian fumbled 5 times, yeah that’s right, 5 times and McNabbles picked em up every time, because he’s just a stand up kind of guy. McNabb kicked all of the field goals too, even the missed one. McNabb did everything, because he is McNabb, and everything else that’s purple and not McNabb is bullshit or the Grimace, which is bullshit.
Seattle Seahawks 36, New Jersey Giants 25
Sometimes I really hate living in New York. This typically happens when I’m riding a 3 Train or when I take a look at the football broadcasting map. I really could give 2 shits about the Giants or Jets, but unless I’m streaming, I have to watch them. So here I am, aching to watch the Bills-Eagles matchup that the rest of America is enjoying, but stuck with this garbage. I couldn’t take it. I fell asleep. This is never a good thing for me to do in the daytime, because I have daymares. This one in particular was nasty as all hell. I woke up covered in sweat, staring down the manly face of Charlie Whitehurst. My attention was earned. Charlie Whitehurst is the man. I want to party with him. I want to go hunting with him. I want to chew bubble gum with him. He led the Seahawks on an 80 yard drive. How cool is that? Tavaris Jackson doesn’t even know what an 80 yard drive looks like. If Pete Carrol were a smart man [which is debatable], he would keep that chump Tavaris on the bench. Charlie Whitehurst is the man that’s going to lead them to a .500 record. And according to Pete Carrol, that’s “just fine”.
Pittsburgh Steelers 38, Tennessee Titans 17
I was on the stoop yesterday, eating beef empanadas and rice. The rice was horrible, as it always is, but the empanadas were exquisite as all hell. First there was one other person on the stoop. Then there were 3. Then there were 5. Eventually, there were 20. Allegedly, Kanye West was in the building across the street. I tried to not care and read my book, but the stoop was too cramped. I might as well wait and see if Kanye comes out. Then I heard someone say Louis CK was in the building. Now THAT got me excited. I was looking around for a balding fat man, but all I could see were the unbuff “security guards” standing at a rest. I thought to myself that it’d be funny if David Byrne walked by and nobody would notice. I would probably take that opportunity to geek out to him. It would not only accomplish my need to passively tell my co-workers that Kanye West is completely fucking whack but also fulfill my dream of one day geeking out in front of David Byrne. But David didn’t come [although he did come by today], nor did Louis. My lunch break was over and there was still no sign of Kanye. I waded through the crowd and back into the store. That’s when I saw Louis CK, at the register I should’ve been working at if I wasn’t on lunch, looking a lot worse than he does on TV. But I was still starstruck. I also couldn’t say anything to him. Instead, I walked on. In the distance, I heard him yell out “Doesn’t anyone recognize me?”. But that may not have been him. It could’ve been Kane Hodder for all I know.
San Francisco 49ers 48, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3
I asked Robert Nastro to describe the 49ers in one word. After several “umm’s” cracks and mumbles, he came up with “interesting”. That sounds about right. They are 4-1 now, which isn’t something to be scoffed at. However, they are still essentially the same team that has been scoffed at for the past few years. Alex Smith is their definitive starting QB, but this is a thing that changes like the seasons. Frank Gore seems to be consistent while he’s healthy, but he can’t carry the team. Patrick Willis is a beast, but he’s always been beasting. It could possibly be the inclusion of head coach Jim Harbaugh [you know, the QB for the Colts, pre-Robo]. He doesn’t seem to be the type of guy to yell all the time and drop his pants for motivation. He COULD possibly be the glue that San Francisco needed to win games. As if they were already a good team, but they didn’t have any instructions on how to win games. This is all very possible. Or they could just revert back to their old ways and finish the season at 5-11. Either way, it will make watching the 49ers for the rest of the season seem very…interesting. Which is something that hasn’t been true for over a decade…
San Diego Chargers 29, Denver Broncos 24
Every time the Chargers and Broncos get together, the same shit happens. In week 17 of last year, the Chargers almost lost to the Broncos. This was because a man named Tim Tebow came off the bench, and played his bastardized version of the quarterback position, with a dash of fullbackedness. This time around, after dealing with Kyle Orton for 3 miserable quarters, the time read Teeb O’Clock. And, just like last year, he rallied the Broncos to threaten a victory. But of course, they fell short, because they’re the Broncos and that’s what any post-Elway team can do. But that wasn’t the only striking similarity to Broncos-Chargers matchups of past. Let’s flash back to September 14, 2008, which is a very dark moment in my life:
Jay Cutler lost the football before his hand snapped forward. Ed Hochuli ruled it an incomplete pass and it cost San Diego the game. As a ravaging superfan, I was seething pissed. The Chargers went on an ugly losing streak after that play. It pissed me off so much that I even went as far to draw a picture to immortalize it.
It's crude, but it gets the point across...
This time, in the 4th quarter, a very similar thing happened to Philip Rivers. Except this time, they got the call right. Not only did Philip Rivers fumble, but he also tried to disguise it by forcing the ball to follow through with his arm. Instead of it looking like a pass, it looks more like he was trying to strike a volleyball. Now, I tried and tried to find a video of this, but I just couldn’t scrounge one up. So here’s a picture that I stole:
Phil knows volleyball.
This picture describes everything I feel about the 4-1 Chargers going into the bye week. They may look good, but they just don’t have things clicking on the inside.
New England Patriots 30, New Jersey Jets 21
Wes Welker is not like any other successful receiver in the NFL. In the world today, you need to be at least 6 foot 3 in order to be seriously considered as a wideout. And even then, you’re still considered short. You simply need that kind of advantage in order to make catches effectively and consistently. Wes Welker is not one of those guys. He’s 5’9. He is shorter than both their kicker and punter. But yet, he is one of the most dangerous players in the NFL. How can this be? Well, it doesn’t hurt to have Tom Brady throwing to you. But it’s what he does after the catch that makes the man seem so magical. He’s got bullet speed and the ability to dance. He can basically do anything to get away from defenders. They even had him fielding punt returns in this game. In total, he racked up 137 yards, making it one of the slower days that he’s had all season. You can talk about Tom Brady all you want, but you must recognize that he’s throwing to one of the most uniquely great wide receivers of all time.
Oh, and if the Jets lose 2 more games, I win 20 bucks.
Green Bay Packers 25, Atlanta Falcons 14
The first few drives were amazing. It seemed like Atlanta was on the fast-track to turning their season around. Matt Ryan and Co banged it in for a TD, then their D stopped Aaron Rodgers only to have Michael Turner bang in another touchdown. It was glorious to see the undefeated Packers falter. But of course it didn’t last. In Atlanta, nothing ever lasts. Just ask Jeff George, Chris Chandler and Michael Vick…
Detroit Lions 24, Chicago Bears 13
It has been 10 years [actually, 10 years and 2 days] since the Lions have played a game on Monday Night Football. This must mean that something is really brewing in the Big D. Here to report on the MNF experience, and probably partake in some minor gloating, is my partner in grime, Robert Nastro. Deion Sanders doesn’t have shit on the prime-time edition of “The Lion’s Den w/Ol’ Uncle Nasty”!
Not pictured: Me, not being there.
With the Lions hosting the Bears for their first Monday Night Football game in a decade, I knew that I had to find the perfect place to catch all the action, with true Honolulu blooded fans. Sure enough, my twin cousins, the Stein brothers, had requested this night off five months ago and had the “Gentlemen’s Club” ready for some football.
As I anxiously walked through the door, the first thing to catch my eye was a huge Fat Head of the Detroit Lions helmet plastered on the wall. I found myself a bit jealous. Then my attention was turned to a custom painted beer pong table that was hung proudly above the television. The jealousy faded. I was loving Lions pride. The one rule was that everyone in attendance had to be a Lions fan. No one disappointed. We all sat in silence as Barry Sanders narrated the opening segment leading into the game and I could feel the goose bumps on my skin as the game was ready to begin. I was SO fucking ready for some football
I am officially changing the name of Ford Field to the Ford Colosseum, because let’s face it, Quarterbacks are getting thrown to the Lions defense and ripped to pieces. Jay Cutler actually played a decent game. He didn’t have any turnovers and his completion percentage was respectable. However, he also didn’t have any time to throw the ball from the pocket and he hit the turf on a regular basis. Cutler looked as “emo” as ever throughout this game. The black bags under his eyes led me to believe he hadn’t been able to sleep for the better part of the week. Meanwhile, the Lions defense was swarming like black-faced hornets when somebody takes a bat to their nest. As in, fucking pissed off.
Back-up linebacker Bobby “The Carp” Carpenter was clobbering Bears like he was trying to build a new reputation in Detroit. Seventh Round draft pick Willy “The Kid” Young had some Willy stupid penalties, but he played Willy hard and has the tool-set to be Willy good. Louis Delmas, or as my cousin Austin likes to call him, “The Terminator”, was locating the ball like he was looking for Sara Conner. Nick Fairley, who made his NFL debut, played hard and added depth on defense, making Detroit’s defensive front even more terrifying then it already is. The crowd played the “12th man” in this game as they helped force the Bears offensive line into nine false starts. Yes, nine false starts.
Detroit’s offense wasn’t unstoppable in this game but they made enough big plays to seal the victory. Calvin Johnson transformed into Megatron hauling in a huge seventy-something yard touchdown reception, and Jahvid “The” Best went 88 yards untouched for the second longest touchdown run in Detroit Lions history. Players like Nate Burleson, Tony Scheffler, Titus Young, and Brandon Peddigrew [who also had a score] contributed to a balanced offensive assault.
In closing I would like to thank The Stein brothers for letting me experience the Lions on Monday Night Football the way it should be: rooting with true die-hard Lions fans that were fans before the Lions were in the spotlight. To all you band-wagon fans out there… at least your on now, just make sure you don’t fall off again.
With 5 weeks good and dead, the Packers and Lions remain the sole undefeated teams. This is somewhat odd, considering that we could be seeing the Tigers and the Brewers playing in the World Series. It just goes to show that wherever the lakes are great, the teams follow suit.
-TeeCoZee
