It really doesn’t seem like this is my 3rd season of writing this. It feels more like 1 and a half. This is probably because I’m still writing in the most juvenile way possible. Last week, I sent out a call of arms to give me any sort of feedback. This is something that I figured you were all afraid to do. Judging from my writing voice, you all probably think that I’m some closed-minded egomaniac that responds to feedback with anti-semitic remarks. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Any feedback you give me, I will most likely take to heart. My manager, Fran [who is a good manager], suggested that I stop using the F word. Well, she really can’t stop me from doing that, but I’m going to try it for this week! Let’s do this shit!
I’m sure most of you fuggers probably looked at the schedule for this week and thought to yourself “What the flip is this steaming bowl of fudge? I don’t want to watch these motherloving games! Find me in the alps! Sheen, I’d rather get found in the alps than watch these wretched frickin games!”. At this point, it’s moot to explain it to you, but I’ll do it anyways. You see, when the lockout occurred, most teams were afraid of getting stucked over in the case that it bled on into the actual season. In order to combat a fugged up schedule, they made the first 2 weeks consist of disposable match-ups. This means that there are no inter-divisional games and you get to see totally uneven match-ups, such as the Packers vs the Panthers and the Browns vs the Colts. We can only hope that these games will elicit some sort of excitement out of us, or else the following 4,500 words will be really truckin hard to read…
New Orleans Saints 30, Chicago Bears 13
I can hate on Jay Cutler all day long. What can I say? It’s a really fun activity. You should try it once in a while. All you have to do is write his name, followed by “is” or “is the” and then make up your own curse word. Here’s a couple of examples:
Jay Cutler is asstacular.
OR
Jay Cutler is the shit’s shitler.
Get it? He shitlles the shits! Isn’t that funny?!?!?
You see, I’m not the only person that hates Jay Cutler. His offensive line hates him as well. And for good reasons as well. Last Christmas, he gave J’Marcus Webb a 12 pack of Slim Fast and a loose Newport. Jay has a habit of peeing inside Chris Williams’ locker. Roberto Garza? We all know what happened there. Last Halloween, Jay dressed up as Lance Louis, sporting a dreadlock wig and blackface. And I can’t tell you how many times he tried to boink Gabe Carimi’s girlfriend [although it could be argued that it's standard operating procedure for Jay to do that to any rookie and his maiden faire]. In short, why should these guys protect Jay Cutler when really he is their mortal enemy? Because it’s their job, damnit! With Jay getting sacked 6 times, it’s obvious that the job is being done terribly. It’s easy to blame the quarterback for everything, but it takes a smart man to blame the fragile wall of flesh in front of him. Until that wall can become something impassable, I’ll be elated to watch the Bears lose more games.
New York Jets 32, Jacksonville Jaguars 3
In the 1st quarter, Josh Scobee kicked a 55 yard field goal. That was the closest that the Jags were able to get to scoring any points. Not a single measly trip to the red zone. Although nobody believed it from the get-go, Luke McCown is not the QB of the future. It’s probably a shame, but I don’t think Luke himself even cares. Marc Sanchez didn’t look to great, either. 182 yards and 2 INTs is somewhat laughable, even for Sanchez standards [which are somewhat lower than the norm]. Jets fans shouldn’t get too excited about this win, but of course, they are. They’re friggin elated. There was dancing in the streets. I’m sure a few people were tasered. But that’s the mentality that the Jets players and fans share. They’re some of the most pompous people in America. Of course they were going to beat Jacksonville. They might as well hurt a child with a weapon. It’s cause to no celebration. I’m looking forward to watching the Jets play some real teams for a change. After all, they are in the toughest division in the NFL, with New England destroying the world and Buffalo on the brink of a breakout. Hell, even Chad Henne and the Dolphins could give Rex Ryan a run for his money. It’s all a matter of time until the Jets lose 5 games and I win 20 bucks…
Green Bay Packers 30, Carolina Panthers 23
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
The Panthers shut out the Pack in the 1st quarter.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
432 yards, being the man.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
53 rushing yards, being the team leader.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
Giving Steve Smith a new lease on life.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
Looking like a young Mikey Vick.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
Jukin. Jivin. Avoiding that sack.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
They call him Cam Newton.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
He threw a few picks.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
Couldn’t scramble on 4th and 4.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
He’s got a lot to learn.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
He also needs a real team to play for.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
But still the best looking 0-2 QB in the league.
Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton. Cam Newton.
Cam Newton.
Tennessee Titans 26, Baltimore Ravens 13
Matt Hasselbeck throwing for over 300 yards? Alright. Kenny Britt getting 135 of them? Getting Warmer. Nate Washington getting 99? Wait, I thought all these guys were dead! Could it be? Could it really be? Could it really and truly be possible that the Titans are going to have another 2007 season when an old geezer QB revives the lives of uninspired receivers and they make a run for the playoffs only to get really disappointed and have a few years of darkness following? That’d be, like, fuggin awesome, right? No, probably not. It’s not going to happen and if it did, I would be bored as all fuggles. I’m just glad the Ravens lost, and Ray Rice got held back to less than 100 all-purpose yards. In the hater’s book, that’s called progress!
Washington Redskins 22, Arizona Cardinals 21
Hide your children. Sexy Rexy Grossman is on the loose. What kind of nickname is that, anyway? How can someone be both sexy and gross? Sounds like a predator to me! Actually, the guy seems harmless. The only people he played predator to was the Arizona secondary, of whom all witnesses would say “was askin for it”. Strange things are really happening to this team. Running back Tim Hightower has found a place that he can call home for a few years. Out of nowhere, some guy named Fred Davis is making everyone forget about that fat puck Chris Cooley. The defense looks, well, somewhat serviceable [which is a 5000% improvement!]. Now what I’m about to say may shock or alarm you, but it has to be done.
Ready?
The Washington Redskins [yes, The Washington Redskins] are on top of the NFC East. On top of the Eagles, on top of the Cowboys and on top of those other bozo’s whose name escapes me. This, folks, is what happens when the NFL doesn’t schedule divisional games in the first 2 weeks. Once again, the lockout comes back to haunt all of us…
Buffalo Bills 38, Oakland Raiders 35
This game may have been more fun than playing Tecmo Bowl. It was all offense. It was almost as good as that 49ers/Bills game from 92 where no punts were kicked! If only it had gotten a national broadcast, it would be one to talk about for ages. It was a battle of sheer brilliance, orchestrated by two teams that are equally desperate to get the world to notice them.
Ryan Fitzpatrick is becoming seemingly better by the second. He is by far the most successful person [on a football field] to graduate from Harvard. After 6 years of bench-warming and headache-inducing bumblery, he is finally getting comfortable at the QB position. This is helped by his maturing targets, Stevie Johnson and David Nelson. Fred Jackson is looking to have a good season as well. Herein lies the conundrum: they play in the AFC East. Ideally, a sports team plays a game so that they can make it into the playoffs and then potentially a championship. But while competing with the Patriots and the Jets, they are going to be hard-pressed to even have a chance at a wild-card slot. I admire the fact that they are giving it their all, but these actions will be fruitless come the end of the season. That’s not to say that they should just lay down and die until Tom Brady does the same, but hell, when in Rome.
The Raiders hang on to the top spot in the AFC West and they truly deserve it. The absence of Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy and Darrius Heyward-Bey did not leave a sore spot in their offense. Like any good quarterback should ideally do, Jason Campbell made do with the resources he had. One of those resources was the rookie, Denarius Moore, who had the game of his life [unless he already topped 146 yards and a TD last week?]. Darren McFadden also picked up the slack, going for 143 all-purpose yards and 2 TDs. If it wasn’t for their troubles with penalties [8 for 85], Oakland could have easily sealed the deal. Instead, it was a back and forth roller coaster ride, with Fitzpatrick throwing a TD with 15 seconds left. This was followed by a hail mary that was caught, but not by a Raider. My heart stopped for a few seconds and after the cold sweat receded I told myself, “Well, that was fun…too bad nobody else cared to watch this game…”.
Detroit Lions 48, Kansas City Chiefs 3
I’ve been doing okay with censoring myself so far. Let’s take a break from these family-friendly shenanigans while I check in with my main man, Robby Nast. In it’s unadulterated form, here’s this weeks edition of “The Lion’s Den w/ Ol’ Uncle Nasty”:
BREAKING NEWS
“Roary”, the lovable long time mascot of the Detroit Lions is under much scrutiny this week after injuring Chiefs star running back Jamaal Charles during Sunday’s game. At first, it appeared that Charles had hurt his knee while being pushed out of bounce. However, inside sources at the Den have reported to me that Roary had actually been in the head of the Chiefs running back for much of the first Quarter Sunday, frustrating the halfback. Jamaal, clearly frustrated with the king of the jungle, took the opportunity to go after Roary. In turn, Roary took matters into his own paws, knocking Charles out of the game for good. Roary then released this statement following the game: “Charles ain’t in charge no more (expletive)! Hope he enjoyed the (expletive) cart ride cause he’ll be riding the bench the rest of the (expletive) season!” Roary has since received numerous death threats from multiple fantasy owners.
STUD: The Lions Defense
The new and improved Lions defense looked like top 5 material after Sunday’s scalping of the Chiefs. As a TEAM [they didn't go out and pay some ridiculous price for ONE player] they forced three fumbles, had two interceptions and held the Chiefs to a measily three points. Two games into the season the Lions are numero uno in the NFC North in points allowed, and with the miserable Vi-queens up next in week three, the Dirty Dozen [the 12th man being "The Gun" Gunther Cunningham] looks to continue their dominance. I hope Donovan McFlabb is hungry because he’s going to get a steady diet of Ndamukong SUHp.
DUD: The Chiefs organization
Look, I understand that injuries happen. I understand that it can be deflating to lose your star cornerback in week one and your star running back the following week, but let’s face it: that is why you have something called a depth chart. This is the NFL. You need to be able to compete even if you lose starters. The Chiefs looked completely awful in all aspects of the game. Matt Cassell was dreaming of his days in a Patriots Jersey and most likely wished Brady would have just had a career ending injury. Dwayne Bowe’s hands must have shrunk in the wash. Dexter was McCluster fucked everytime he touched the ball, and Brandon Flowers seemed to wilt under an early frost from the the Lions ice cold offensive assualt. If this keeps up they’ll be walking the “trail of tears” for the rest of the season. Too soon?
LIONS ARE FOR REAL. LIONS ARE FOR REAL. LIONS ARE FOR REAL. LIONS ARE FOR FUCKING REAL. How many times do I have to say it? HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES!?!? No, they have not faced a “super bowl” contender, but they have handily beaten two teams that each won ten games last year. No, they don’t play in a pussy division like the St. Louis Rams do but they DO get to prove themselves twice against the two teams that were in the NFC championship game a year ago. Sunday’s game ended with the LARGEST margin of victory for the Lions EVER. EEEEEEEEVER. What’s that? You think I’m drinking too much Kool-Aid? Hold on, let me finish this last sip, wipe my lips clean and politely say FUCK YOU. I’m going to sit back and laugh when the KOOL-AID DUDE busts through your wall and drowns you with Honolulu Blue punch. OH YEAH!
On a side note, has anyone else noticed that in each of the two games Tony Scheffler has scored a touchdown and has proceded to rub it in the opposing teams face by doing a celebration relating to oppositions team name!? First it was the “Swashbuckling” against the Bucaneers; this week was the “Smoke screen” versus the Chiefs [at 1:50 in the above video]. I can’t wait to see what the “Scheff” has cooking in week three against Minnesota.
Cleveland Browns 27, Indianapolis Colts 19
Every time the Browns win a game, I laugh to myself. This time, I laughed the hardest. Kerry Collins is lucky that the people below him on the depth chart suck worse than Kerry Collins. If the Colts win a game this year, you know that Daunte Culpepper, Kevin Smith, Dan Orlovsky and Matt Millen are gonna pop open a bottle of Tosti and spray it all over their flabby man-tits. Now that I’ll never get that image out of my head, let’s move on…
Pittsburgh Steelers 24, Seattle Seahawks 0
I’m moving on to THIS?!?!? Thanks again, NFL Lockout Safety Scheduling! It’s obvious that a lot of things have changed since these two teams met in Super Bowl XL. The Seahawks have not seen a sliver of success [unless you call a 7-9 playoff berth a success? Pete Carroll does!] since then. The Steelers are still a bunch of dicks, but some of the dicks are new. Like Mike Wallace. Oh man, I hate that dick! 126 yards and a TD? What a flashy ballhog! Rashard Mendenhall is also quite the dick. I mean, he only rushed for 66 yards, but I’m sure he’s a really mean person in real life! I heard that he once stole some kid’s N-Gage. What a dick! Of course, I heard that from Troy Polamalu, who is a big enough of a dick to get 6 tackles and a sack, while also spreading rumors about his teammates! But the biggest dick of them all is the “powers that be”, who somehow allowed Tavaris Jackson to throw 20 completions, but only get 159 yards. You would think that if an NFL QB was going to have a bad day, he would at least throw an interception or five. Nope, not Tavaris Jackson. Some dick sold his soul to the devil to make something ridiculous like that happen…
Oh and if you stayed on the Pittsburgh bandwagon, congratulations. You made the right choice. If you run out of beer, let me know. I’ll throw a case of BL Lime in your direction.
Dallas Cowboys 27, San Francisco 49ers 24 [OT]
Back in the 90′s, people would quit their jobs to see these two teams face off. Steve Young vs Troy Aikman was a cream-dream for football fans across the globe. Nowadays, this matchup goes unnoticed. Now it’s Troy Alex Smith vs Tony Romo Jon Kitna Tony Romo. For those who actually bothered to watch it [a hard feat for anyone living outside of the market] were actually in for a treat. The 49ers dominated most of the first half, mostly due to Tony Romo being smugly inept [and rookie kicker, Dan Bailey, missing a PAT 21 yard field goal]. Then this happened:
All of a sudden, its 200X all over again! The Romo to Austin connection is back in service! That was, at least, for a few minutes. Tony was immediately benched with a rib injury, and Cowboys fans had to watch Wonderboy Jon Kitna throw 10 passes, with 2 of them being picked off. Finally, Tony Romo had enough and he became MegaRomo™. So then MegaRomo™ threw it to his boy Miles Austin 345092840 more times, thus closing the gap on the 10 point deficit. So that meant overtime, motherlovers! And what happened there? Some chump named Jesse Holley decided that he wanted some love from MegaRomo™ and MegaRomo™ was like “okay”.
In amidst of all the celebrating and hoo-hollering, Dan Bailey overcame his fear of short-yardage field goals, and nailed a 19 yarder. Somewhere, a man wearing a Quincy Carter jersey covered in Cheeto dust fell asleep smiling, never to wake up again.
Houston Texans 23, Miami Dolphins 13
You’ve got two crab cakes. Heat them shits up in the microwave. Take a hoagie roll and smear that shit with tarter sauce. Add lettuce and white cheddar cheese. Take out them steaming crab cakes and cut them sumbitches up. Throw em on the bread, and voila, you have the Crab Cake Sando [CCS]. I was eating a CCS the other day on the stoop at work, hoping that nobody would see me. Eating a CCS is a messy job, but your stomach and taste buds will be eternally grateful. Of course, a regular customer comes by. We have a brief discussion about how Infinite Jest is my generation’s Gravity’s Rainbow. It’s a big mess. I’m waving the Sando around like mad, crab cake flying every which way. I’ve got tarter sauce stuck in my beard, lettuce on my pants, this guy can hardly take me seriously. I finally get him to leave, so that I can eat my CCS quickly and peacefully. Just then, the cute Asian chick from the eyeglass store around the corner comes walking by and smiles at me. The CCS crumbes apart in my hands. It’s a dumptruck of stuffing, dressing, tarter sauce and lettuce heading straight to my pants. But I’ve got it covered. I got wax paper on my lap. No biggie. I feign annoyance and she giggles lightly. The second she leaves, I take the wax paper to my face and go to town on the remains. It’s best to destroy the evidence. Now THAT’S how you enjoy a Crab Cake Sando!
Denver Broncos 24, Cincinnati Bengals 22
Tebow off the bench? TEBOW OFF THE BENCH! The billboards worked, fellers! Look at him, he’s running onto the field and…
What the frigindarnation?!!?? Why isn’t Kyle Orton getting off the field? Aw, dagummit! He’s a wide receiver?!!?? And Orton still throws a dropped ball?!?!? COME ON!
Either way, I still found it to be a clever punch in the face for the Cult of Tebow. They wanted him off the bench so badly, but they didn’t specify what position they wanted him to play in. Next week, he’ll be a free-safety. And then he’ll miss a couple of field goals. And then the center. Then he will botch the block, Orton will get his head ripped off and Timmy will reclaim his throne. It could happen. Who knows? Tebow knows!
Also, I have very little to say about the actual game, or the faux-prowess of Andy Dalton. I said it once and I’ll probably say it a few more times: “I will never trust a ginger rookie QB”.
New England Patriots 35, San Diego Chargers 21
I’m rolling my eyes hard at this one. It’s gonna take a lot for me not to use the F word. But let’s try it…
For all of Tom Brady’s life, the world has been one giant chicken waiting to be plucked. Everything he does is automatic. Which is why the Chargers always struggle against his team and the outcome is always the same. This whole game was a 4 step process:
1) Chargers fall behind early, with multiple turnovers in the red zone.
2) Chargers catch up while Tom Brady plays possum. They get within one score.
3) Tom Brady comes back to life and makes one last score to seal the deal, in a drive that eats up over 5 minutes.
4) Phillip Rivers fails to do anything on the closing drive.
I swear to god, look this shit up. IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! So really, what is the buttscrewing point of even discussing this game? Am I going to pull out any insight as to what will happen to either teams in the oncoming weeks? No. Am I going to have the epiphany that I am only a Chargers fan because they are designed to make me miserable when I need to even out my universe? No. Am I going to start crying because the Chargers are now 3rd in the division? No, crying is for dumbasses. Am I sick of dwelling on about how the Chargers are past their prime and they’re going to amount to nothing this season? Well…yes. I am sick of doing that. I’ve been doing it for years! It’s one thing to love a team, but giving it tough love is a whole other entity. Just ask anyone in Philadelphia…
Atlanta Falcons 35, Philadelphia Eagles 31
I’m starting to get a little sick of this newfound tradition. The storyline of Michael Vick returning to Atlanta is about as played as SouthWest Airlines providing free baggage boarding. I understand that Vick playing against his former team is sort of a “big deal”, but give it up already. He’s been back for 3 years now. Nobody gives a crap when Adam Vinnetari returns to New Englad and he kicked multiple Super Bowl winning field goals! Regardless, it was still a decent game to watch. That was, until Michael Vick spat a bunch of blood on the turf. Then, things got weird.
[Ignore the musical stylings of the Baja Men, as this was the only legitimate video of the injury I could conjure up.]
The natural response after this debacle would be to throw Vince Young into the game and hope for the better. But no, Lil Yung was also injured for undisclosed reasons. So, where’s Kevin Kolb? Shit, he’s playing for the Cardinals now. Well? I guess theres some guy named…Mike Kafka [at this point, I would make some puns about his name, but I am terribly versed in Kafka, so I won't even try. Just try to imagine an intelligent quip here and you'll get the idea]. And who is Mike Kafka? Well naturally, he’s a second year guy out of Northwestern [which fits the generic profile of any 3rd string QB to a tee]. This was obviously the first time he took a snap in an NFL game and for what it’s worth, he did spectacular. 7/9 for 72 is not bad at all. Especially when those one incomplete was a perfect throw with a terrible drop and the other was a hail mary. Vince Young would have fared far worse against the Atlanta secondary. It would have been a complete disaster. He would have thrown 5 picks and then put himself on the bench due to intense crying. Instead, Kafka kept the back-and-forth game interesting. But in the end, the Eagles defense is still not mature enough to stop the run, so Michael Turner tore the field up in a come-from-behind victory. To all of Pennsylvania’s fortune, Vick is slated to return next week against the Giants. To all of their misfortune, it could be years before they see the real potential that Kafka may or may not have to offer.
New York Giants 28, St Louis Rams 16
Darren is nervous as he stares out the window of the rental car, as it rockets through the Lincoln Tunnel. For legal purposes, he’s “interning” for Dave as he records the Giants game from the sidelines. Darren has no interest at all in professional sports, or even the documenting of them. He was simply there as a percautionary measure, as they were both experimenting with a new strand of weed called “Ultra Sour Diesel”. Dave hands him the joint and leans back in his seat. “You know, it’s a dangerous gig. Something could happen at any given second. With your eyes focused on the frame, there are blind spots all around you. That’s why you’re here.” Dave mutters something else, but it turns into a cough. Darren inhales deeply as the white lights blend into a long narrow strip that stretches on infinitely. It’s too much responsibility. He’s not ready for this. What if he gets distracted? What if they don’t let him into the stadium? What if there’s a terrorist? A man with a taser? Or what if? What if he actually likes being a spotter? Is this what his life will become? Follow Dave around from city to city, getting stoned and videotaping burly men throwing around a ball? What would Stacey think? Would she even care?
These questions go on well after the opening kickoff. None of the players even get close to Dave and his camera, so he spends most of the time trying to figure the game out. The white team seems to be making a lot of mistakes. The blue men kick the ball to them, but then the guy drops the ball. Everyone in the Meadowlands is on their feet. What kind of enjoyment are they really getting from this? Do they see a little part of themselves inside these players? The captain of the white team drops the ball. It’s picked up by this big beast of a man. He starts running toward Dave and Darren at full speed. The white team is really bad at chasing him. When he makes it far enough, he stops. Darren cannot hear anything except for the steady roar of the crowd. He locks eyes with the beast. Through the facemask, he sees a familiar face. He’s too stoned for this. He’s someone he saw once before, in passing. It has to be the guy. It was when he first started dating Stacey. There was this guy, Mike, Michael, Miguel, what was his name? Shit. This guy, THE guy, the one staring him down, showed up at her house one night, he wanted to talk to her and—
In week 3, things will finally start to make some funny sense. We will finally get to see some floppin divisional games and matchups that were deemed too good to be cancelled by any frykin lockout. Until then, get some pucking rest and do things that don’t involve obsessing over football. See a movie, go to a frothin museum, get some ass, do what you need to do. But I expect you to report here again the same time next week. Got it? Meeting adjourned, motherbuffaloes.
-TeeCoZee
