What Would Wayne Fontes Do? [TeeCoZee's NFL Roundup 2010 Week 10]

Many would say that this was a shocking week in the NFL. The Bills, Cowboys and Broncos actually won games, a few top-ranked defenses got rousted, and a game ended in an actual miracle, complete with divine intervention and all that other nonsense. Frankly, I’m more shocked that 10 weeks of the season has already passed. [I am also shocked that I wrote and advertised THIS WHOLE THING before I realized that it was week 10, not 11.] And I’m also even more shocked that I was only able to watch a game and a half. But with blunders comes compensation, which is something that I’m going to attempt. I’m also going to attempt to omit stats as much as possible. So let the great experiment begin!

Yeah!

[Also, this will not have much to do with Wayne Fontes]

Atlanta Falcons 26, Baltimore Ravens 21

Funnnnnnnn!!!!!

Alright so listen up, holmeslices. So the Baltimore Ravens drove down to Atlanta, but they weren’t planning on having any fun because they are the Fun Vacuums and that’s what they do best is take out the fun of life, see? So they walk into the Georgia Dome, and they found a lot of naysaying peoples having a lot of fun. They were waving noodles, dishing out high-fives and even doing the occasional Wave. So the Ravens went and looked for an outlet, ’cause you need an outlet to turn on the suction to the fun vacuum, and that way the Georgia Dome can stop having fun and maybe do something else instead. Like NOT have fun. And when the fun vacuum turned on, it sputtered a little, but some fun was going away all right. But then Roddy White was like “fuck that”, and he unplugged the fun vacuum from the overly-sized outlet, ’cause Roddy White loves fun and he wanted to have some. But then the Ravens plugged themselves back in, and people started to get hella sad. So thats when Roddy White pulled out his nine and shot at the outlet. There was a huge explosion. It was a lot of fun for everyone. The Ravens were sad as hell. Roddy White got laid, and I’m sure it was a lot of fun. Ray Lewis cried and then cried some more. At the end of the day, fun prevails, see? Even on NFL Network!

Chicago Bears 27, Minnesota Vikings 13
Brad Childress has shot himself in the leg on numerous occasions. It doesn’t seem to bother him very much, because week after week he shoots a bullet through the same hole. Some may think that he doesn’t even feel it anymore. You could claw at it all day with a rusted fork and he still wouldn’t wince. The fact of the matter is that Brad knows he will be fired at the end of the season. On that same regard, he also knows that the management is not ballsy enough to fire him mid-season. He and the rest of the world is also aware that Brett Favre is not going to be around much longer either. With the way that he has been playing, he should have been benched weeks ago. So Brad thinks to himself, “What would Wayne Fontes do?” Of course, Brad just keeps on letting him go at it, performing acts of fuckuppery week after week. The Minnesota Vikings are a team that is quite reminiscent of a boat drifting off somewhere in an unknown ocean. The boat is filling up slowly with water, and nobody seems to care. They all know that their leaders have no clue what’s going on, but they’re still letting them lead. Everybody is just hoping for either a swift rescue or a really trippy afterlife. As for the leaders Favre and Childress, well they’re trying to find Atlantis. [Duh!] Oh, and Devin Hester is the shit, but the Bears still aren’t worth one.

New York Jets 26, Cleveland Browns 20 [OT]
History repeats itself in many ways. For the Cleveland Browns, it was another chance to take down a Goliath. Who the fuck even made their schedule? The NFL obviously wanted the Browns to fail when they pitted this seemingly worthless team against the Saints, Patriots and Jets [consecutively, not to mention the fact that they are all in different divisions]. But somehow, the Browns have been fighting back. It doesn’t hurt to have a massive beast for a running back like Peyton Hillis. The dude is so sly that he could save your life and fuck your girlfriend simultaneously! And still make it to the movies on time! Step back, Steven Jackson. Peyton Hillis is the best running back playing for a balls dirty team! And Colt McCoy hasn’t thrown in interception in 4 weeks?!?!? Against those defenses?!?!? What in the hell is going on in Cleveland? Can I even call them balls dirty anymore? Yes, yes I can. Because they are 3-6. And that’s not a good place to be. It’s a balls dirty place to be. As for the Jets, history repeats itself again. This is the second week in a row that they traveled to play against a “meh-at-best” team, fail miserably, somehow get the game into OT, and then have Santonio Holmes bail them out with a win. Although they are 7-2, the Jets have been playing in a fashion that worries me. But with the lukewarm schedule ahead of them, I can see the Jets going 11-5 and maybe taking the division [Unless the Pats are actually for reals this time]. But then they’ll choke in the first round and Rex Ryan will eat a horse in front of the entire state of New Jersey. The End.

Buffalo Bills 14, Detroit Lions 12
It looks like the Lions “Paid It Forward”, and allowed the woeful Bills to get their first victory. That was very brave of them. On that note, I’m going to pay it forward to my partner in grime, Roberto Nastro in his segment “The Lion’s Den w/ Ol’ Uncle Nasty”. Nast?

Wait, what WOULD Wayne Fontes do?

As I called Tee-Cozy in tears Sunday night following the Lion’s latest plunge into the sickest of depths, he put everything into perspective for me. The Lions had to pay it forward. Detroit is the only team in NFL history to go 0-16, of course, I think even Osama Bin Laden knows that. So naturally when they’re faced with a lowly Buffalo Bill’s team, (what the fuck is a Bill?) they knew the feeling of being 0-8 and losing heart breaker after heart breaker after heart breaker…(you get the point) They couldn’t do that to the Bills! They had to pay it forward.

Then I remembered that there are only a child’s handful of players on that 0-16 squad that are STILL on this team. This means that many of the players on this years roster didn’t have to experience the feeling of being the laughing stock of the sports world. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. In the last ten years, it really doesn’t seem to matter who is on the team. They are all doomed to an eternity of misery. Maybe Wayne Fontes made a deal with the devil, ensuring him a life time supply of cocaine. Fontes got his blow and the Lions were sentenced to blowing until the end of days. Then again why should I blame Wayne? At least his Detroit Lions teams had winning records and occasionally made the playoffs.

This was THAT Detroit Lions game that happens every year when the fans finally say: “Enough’s enough, I’m just going to focus on the Pistons…” Sadly, they blow too. Now the Lions get to take their newly broken road losing streak to play America’s favorite team, the Dallas Cowgirls. Maybe Detroit has caught a bit of luck considering Tony Romo is coming back to relieve John Kitna after his masterful game against the New York Giants. At least this way a former Lions quarterback can’t do what so many have done before and light them up like that annoying house two months before Christmas.

Best case scenario is the giant flat screen television somehow falling onto the field and crushing the entire Detroit Lions team. That way I won’t have to write another one of these depressing write-ups…

I still think Barry put a curse on them, but that’s my opinion. But look on the bright side, Nast: at least the Lions on the road are just as terrible as the Cowboys at home!

Indianapolis Colts 23, Cincinnati Bengals 17
Oh man, the Bengals actually lost? I did not see that one coming. Not in a million years. There’s really not much to say about this one. Robomanning took the day off, but the Bengals fucked up so many times that the Colts won anyway. Did anybody expect any more out of Carson Palmer at this point? They’ve lost 6 games in a row, and they will probably lose 6 more. Screw it, make it 15 more. Maybe make it an even 20. The Bengals suck so bad that I can’t even come up with any good jokes about them. Whenever I think about them, my hands ache from trying to make the hardest fist possible, and my fingernails dig into my palms and nothing is what it seems. How can so much talent be wasted by a talentless fuckhead of a quarterback? Why the fuck won’t they just bench him? You have two of the best wideouts of the last ten years on one team, and they’re too stubborn to bench the QB that’s not making any magic happen? There’s a reason why Vinny Testaverde jumped from team to team. He was an okay QB, but he couldn’t help but to throw to the wrong players. Carson Palmer is the modern day Testaverde, and it’s about time that Arizona scoops him up so that the Bengals can start winning games…

Jacksonville Jaguars 31, Houston Texans 24
This game can be summarized in one play. One logic-breaking play that will be talked about for decades to come. On a humid day in Jacksonville, a capacity crowd witnessed the closest thing they will ever get to a miracle. It’s not very often that a hail-mary pass actually succeeds. What happened here is even rarer. So rare to the point that a play like this may never happen again in such a fashion. With time running out in regulation, the Jags and Texans were tied at 24 a piece. Near mid-field, David Garrard decided to give it one last shot, blindly throwing a hail-mary bomb towards the endzone.

In case the above video has been deleted [which it probably will be], let me break down what happened: The pass was heading towards Mike-Sims Walker, but the coverage was too heavy and the pass was batted down by defensive back, Glover Quin. But the ball did not land on the ground. Instead, the ball landed conveniently directly into the hands of WR Mike Thomas, who then walked one yard into the endzone for a touchdown. David Garrard pissed his pants. Jack Del Rio’s hat flew up into the sky. Wayne Fontes punched a hole in the wall. Even Jesus himself was stunned. Impressed by their showmanship, I’m sure he will allow the Jags to have at least one more victory this season…

Miami Dolphins 29, Tennessee Titans 17

No Randy, Chris Johnson is not your QB. Sorry you were misinformed.

Going into this game, I was looking forward to covering this game as the “Geezer Bowl”. After all, it was supposed to be 16 year veteran Kerry Collins facing off against 11 year benchwarmer Chad Pennington [in his first start in ages]. Well, Chad Pennington only got 2 plays off before he suffered a game [or season] ending shoulder injury. 11 incomplete passes later, Kerry Collins left the game with a boo-booed calf. So the geezers did what the geezers do best: they got hurt and sat down. In a sense, I guess the Titans won the fight because Kerry Collins lasted longer. But the game wasn’t actually over. Chad Henne played a suitable game for the Dolphins, giving them a 6 point lead before he got injured himself. So they had to call in Tyler Thigpen, who I believe wasn’t even suited up at the beginning of the game. Afraid that he would fuck the entire thing up, Miami fans were stunned to see him throw 4/6 for 64 yards and a touchdown that ultimately sealed the game. So the Dolphins aren’t dead in the water quite yet. The Titans on the other hand suffer the same fate as the Bengals. They have offensive juggernauts like Chris Johnson and Kenny Britt. They even have Randy fucking Moss. [Yes, Randy Moss plays for the Titans now. Who knows where he'll be next week.] But the team is being plagued by two complete fucktards playing the QB position.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 31, Carolina Panthers 16
Who would have thought that Josh Freeman and LaGarrette Blount could actually go and carry a team? Not me! But the shit is happening. And the Bucs are looking a little less meh every week. That is all.

Denver Broncos 49, Kansas City Chiefs 29
Ah, the beauty of divisional matchups. Even though the Chargers had a bye week, this can still be marked up as a victory. With the Broncos humiliating the shit out of Kansas City, the gap in the AFC West has just become more narrow. So narrow that the Raiders didn’t have to play this week in order to slip into the top seat. The Broncos have been known to play games like this, and I thank them endlessly for their contributions. After being lambasted by the Raiders, the Broncos spent their bye week getting more and more pissed off. What resulted was a series of unprecedented scoregasms by Kyle Orton & co. Shit, even Tim Tebow threw his first touchdown! [and he also ran for a touchdown? Tim Tebow scored 2 touchdowns? Derrick Thomas must be puking in his grave...] This victory did nothing but good for the Raiders and Chargers, as Denver still does not stand a chance to take over the division. It still kind of irks me that Matt Cassel threw for 469 yards, but only time will tell how this loss will affect the Chief’s overall demeanor.

Seattle Seahawks 36, Arizona Cardinals 18
Answers To The Top 5 Questions I Get Asked At Work:
1) The nearest wine store is on Grand and Lafayette.
2) No, we do not have a bathroom.
3) Utensils are by the door. No, the other door. The one right there.
4) I really don’t know of a good place to eat around here.
5) Your apple is so expensive because it is massive. At $2.99 a pound, this .70 pound apple is $2.10. Shop like a chef, pay like a chef.

Dallas Cowboys 33, New York Giants 20

That's right! It's Kitna Time now, baby! Woooooooooooo!!!!

For some stupid reason, this is the game that everyone can’t stop talking about. Maybe this is because of the fact that no matter how bad they are, people can not stop jabbering on about the Cowboys. Let me break down some possibilities as to how the Cowboys upset the Giants:
- Wade Phillips was fired. This does not mean that Jason Garret is a good head coach. They won the game merely because Wade Phillips was fired. I believe I stole this point from Deion Sanders. When Wade got the shitcan, it got everyone in the locker room thinking. If a coach is only as good as his team, then the team is also at risk of being let go. The firing put the Cowboys into a fight or flight mentality. On paper, it looks like they have nothing to lose. But each player could be at risk of getting dropped on their padded heads, and a trip to free agency-land sounds daunting, considering that a 2011 lockout is still possible. Without a team to play on, these players may be forgotten, or avoided when putting the distant 2010 season into consideration. This is why they’re playing actual football, and not kneeling down for the rest of the season.
- When the power went out, Phillip Rivers showed up and took over for Jon Kitna. Everyone was none the wiser. The things people will do for money…
- Wayne Fontes did it.
- See Broncos, Denver.
- It’s only been 3 weeks since the last time they played the Giants. It’s the same formula that caused the Giants to beat the “unbeatable” New England Patriots in Superbowl XLII. With such a short time in between games, the Giants were a fresh memory in their minds. They figured out a thing or two about this team, and they put it to use.
- Although as a team they are a complete joke, there still is talent buried underneath all of the fallacies.
- Jon Kitna got a phone call Saturday night. And it was from God.

San Francisco 49ers 23, St Louis Rams 20 [OT]
Well, it looks like the 49ers have finally found a quarterback. And it’s not Alex Smith. It’s Troy Smith. You know, the “Other Smith”. The better Smith. Not the Emmit Smith, but still a good Smith. The Heisman Trophy winning Smith. The benched by the fun vacuums for the past 3 years Smith. The proving to the world that the 49ers are still a contender in the dismal NFC West Smith. The new starter Smith. The dreamer Smith. The lover of Delaine Walker and Vernon Davis Smith. The lost a fumble but was recovered by his own lineman Smith. The going to upset the Bucs next week Smith. The Smithiest of all Smiths. The going to lead the Niners to an 8-8 record Smith. But he’ll still lose to the Chargers Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Troy Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Troy Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Troy Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Alex Smith? No. Troy Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith. Smith.
Smith is a stupid word.

New England Patriots 39, Pittsburgh Steelers 26
Oh snap! Somebody done scored 39 points on the Steeler’s defense? What a bunch of chumps! Wha happen? It’s been a while since I actually paid attention during a Steelers game, but isn’t Troy Polamalu supposed to be, like, a good player? Why wuz he looking like a total chump ass out there? I see him all the time in them Heds n Shulders commercials, but it’s hrrd to tell if he has dandruff wit that damn helmut on! And I keep herring things bout this Rashaard Mendenhall dude, but the bozo only rushed for 50 yards! I cuold do daT in mah sleeps! What kinda beast is dat? A stupid one, that’s what! And didn’t Ben Roethlisberger, like, rape some chic? But hes sew good at what he doos that everyone forgave him n-e-wayz? Well, it looks like he was getting raped by the Patriots D! They were all up in his shit like I get all up in a pack of BL Lime, son! The Patriots are tottally fukking sweet! If I was a lady, like a really foxxxy lady, I would let Tom Brady have me. Liek, for realz. Straight up. No cash passing involved. The Pats are probably going to win their 7348798th Super Bowl dis year, and they deserve it cuz their the bestest.

Philadelphia Eagles 59, Washington Redskins 28

Oh, and did I mention that they scored 59 points in the rain?

Donovan McNabb is so much better than Michael Vick. Before this game even started, McNabb signed a 5-year contract extension for $88 Million, with $40 Million guaranteed. Michael Vick, on the other hand, is only making $5.2 Million. This means that McNabb is way better, and the Redskins trounced the Eagles, right? Whoops. On the first play of the game, Michael Vick made an 88 yard pass to DeSean Jackson. McNabb answered back with going 3 and out. So then Vick drives down the field and rushes into the endzone. And McNabb fights back with an interception. Then Vick shoots back with another TD pass. Then McNabb goes 3 and out. Get the trend here? Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles should be taken extremely seriously. They play the Giants next week, which should be a matchup that will decide the fate of the NFC East. Andy Reid must be happier than a pig in shit that he found the QB that he was looking for, and at a absolutely ridiculous bargain. In regards to Mike Shanahan and the Washington Redskins, well, I’m sure the $40 million will be well-spent. Right?
Well, no, probably not. Considering that McNabb is already 33 and playing like he’s 38. Perhaps Mike Shanahan should take some advice from Wayne Fontes…

And in closing I would just like to point out that the standings in the AFC and NFC are almost completely symmetrical. Observe:

NFC East- 2 teams at 6-3
AFC East- 2 teams at 7-2

NFC North- 2 teams at 6-3
AFC North- 2 teams at 6-3

NFC South- 7-2, then 6-3
AFC South- 6-3, then 5-4

NFC West- 5-4, then 4-5
AFC West- 2 teams at 5-4

Maybe I’m just a really big nerd, but it seems like the further west you go, the shittier teams get. But I’m probably just a nerd. A nerd that likes football. And nachos. And Wayne Fontes.

-TeeCoZ